Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My missus said "get some of those tablets that help you get an erection", should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills!

   In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King I will be marching 12 miles to work today in the middle of the street....

   I once denied a friend request from the most interesting man in the world.

   What if random erections are actually ninja handjobs?

   If you prefer a particular brand of bottled water, you should be sent away to a special camp.

   Husband:"My Olympic condoms are here, I think I'll wear the gold one 2night" Wife:"Couldnt you wear the silver one and come 2ND 4 a change"

   If you ask me, people who harm children should be strangled at birth.

   "And the flowers are still standing!"

   I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   thank you Tom Brady for showing the world that you have way more GOD given talent than Tebow!

   Gotta check my undies; I just made a Joyful Noise.

   Marriage is like a deck of cards: In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

   When I was in the 10th grade I was taught $ex-ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian.

   The last time a Christian was that thoroughly torn apart, Caligula was Emporer.

   "Ooh, the game was tonight?"- God

   "It is better to have been on penici!!in, than to have never loved at all."

   There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but to catch them, you must first become a Master Baiter. :))

   You don't have to like me, I'm not a Facebook status

   Not even FEMA could help the saints

   Too many hood guys not enough good guys..