Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I like to send a text un purpose to the wrong person to see their reaction

   Just attempted to lick my own b@lls for the 105th time, i'm getting closer every day!

   Roses are red, vi0lets are fine...I'll be the 6, if you be the 9

   A lot of independent women wish they had someone to depend on.

   Every time someone asks me for directions, I navigate them to the nearest bar or strip club. That will teach them to buy a GPS.

   I'm not sure what the worst penalty in football is but Madonna performing at the halftime of the Super Bowl has got to be it.

   Shouldn't a "landing strip" actually be NO hair in the middle with hair to the sides?

   I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...

   Someone puked on my sister's front steps last night. Signs pointing to me. Looking for clues.

   "Um...I'm getting paid overtime for this, right?" --my liver

   Maybe my microwave is leaking radiation, but I could swear Orville Redenbacher just asked me if I can keep a secret from my mommy and daddy.

   1-2 Freddy's coming for you... opps wrong movie! Happy Friday the 13th filled with horny teenagers and not machete wielding maniacs!!! ;)

   Okay Jennifer Hudson we are happy for you that you lost all that extra weight, now can you drop this wanna-be-model business and go back into the studio and make us some music?

   1st grader: I need something to drink. College graduate: I N33|) 50m37h1nG t0 dr1nKz

   This Friday the 13th instead of Jason popping out of nowhere to kill us, Jennifer Hudson will sing about how much weight shes lost until we commit suicide.

   I like how woman pretend they don't know they have a huge camel toe. You know you want us to stare at it.

   "What did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" (Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my mom)

   If you even suspect someone has been stung by a jellyfish -don't ask- just pee on them. You might save a life.

   Our new dog is going to be the *best* watchdog if a vacuum cleaner ever breaks into the house.

   thought about being a gynecologist...i hear there's plenty of openings