Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by both men as well as women.

   playing a fun drinking game. Every time somebody says "you can't drink alcohol in the office" I have to down a shot.

   Did anyone ever tell those kids how to get to sesame street?

   admits that the Nazis were terrible, but look on the bright side: At least we got some awesome Indiana Jones movies out of it.

   undefeated at BattleShip. Mostly because I stack my ships on top of one another.

   Out with the Old, in with the New.......not you Honey.....I meant the year.....had enough of 2011......:)

   Girls need to start looking for guys who have goals, ambitions, and an education because 10 years from now "swag" isn't going to pay the bills.

   I remember the days when all my "good stuff" fit in a Sucrets box.

   I'm at Muppet labs with Dr Honeydew and Beaker trying to come up with a cure for dance fever. It's going well, although we've accidentally blown up Beaker 3 times. He's such a trooper.

   Find a girl you hate on Facebook. Go through all her summer photos and comment LOL on all the ones of her in a bikini. So fun. Not illegal.

   Gold Digger - like a hooker, only smarter.

   doing something weird and thinking, this is why I'm not in a relationship.

   I'm pretty sure the best thing about Facebook is the ability to read other people's fights.

   Don't feel to high & mighty about yourself sweetheart, cause at the end of the day, your still like a penny ` two faced & worthless.

   This dude working at Subway is looking at me like he's never had anybody ask him to put some Government Cheese on a sub sandwich before.

   Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. Maybe next time..

   You know what would really be epic? If people would stop using the work epic when describing things that actually aren't.

   Nothing like sitting back and watching the people who stabbed you in the back fall apart.

   HOW can dogs sniff out bombs, save a guy from drowning, keep you from walking into traffic, but CANT figure out how to UNWRAP themselves from around a tree!

   Most relationships fail not because the absence of love, but because girls love to much and guys love to many.