Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Mmmm. I like that. That smells nice. I'm gonna piss on it." - Dogs. And R. Kelly.

   Fellas: Let a woman wear the pants in a relationship. They are coming off later anyways!

   that weird momment when ur pet comes in ur room, stares, then walks back out.

   Giving people the benefit of the doubt is usually just a polite way of temporarily overlooking their stupidity.

   Divorcees: Because one man's trash is another man's booty.

   Whoever invented Copy & Paste should have been awarded a Nobel Prize.

   When watching the DIY network your remote should automatically not allow you to change the channel or volume. So now you have to get up and......

   HIM: “You look like a Barbie!” HER: “Thanks. You mean tall, slim and beautiful right?” HIM: “Hell no! I mean plastic and without a brain.”

   You know it's time to do laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

   LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy, and it's fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.

   I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to them..

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   I have a life outside Facebook...but I have forgotten the password for it.

   'One Direction's Zayn Malik vows to ditch the fags' - I didn't know he was planning on starting a solo career.

   I wonder what Rebecca Black thinks of Samoa skipping out on Friday?.......

   So this book said to be a lesbian I need to lick carpet. For the last hour I have been laying on my floor licking my carpet and I feel no different.

   It's so nice having my family around for the holidays. It really makes me appreciate their absence the rest of the year.

   I Can Only Play The Hand [♠][♥][♦][♣] That GOD Has Delt Me -

   that money can't buy you happiness, but it sure can buy you beers to drink in the shower.

   To all my friends with short attention spans,