Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once skeeted in the back seat of an 18 wheeler.......... That 18 wheeler is now known today as........ OPTIMUS PRIME

   Don't you just hate it when 9 year olds have a better phone than you.. it's like, who are you gonna call?! Barney? ..Elmo?.. DORA?!?

   Everyday I'm shoveling!

   I'm a lazy ass texter, unless you're cute, or I like you.

   oh!!!!! sorryy my smoking is bothering you ?? shut the hell up it's killing me !!!

   Aretha Franklin, 69, is engaged. And she's not pregnant!

   Some people just need a hug... Around the neck. With my hands.

   I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.

   One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

   My heart just skipped a beat when I glanced at my wife across the room. Mostly because she was holding my phone

   45 days and counting until I start a new count down

   trying to think of good booger jokes, but it snot working.

   When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?

   Its better to be single and alone than to be in a relationship and feel alone.

   Hey..........all the political and media people are in Iowa. If we could somehow fence it off, this is our chance to start a new society. Who's down???

   Girls with big boobs, stop saying "my eyes are up here" ...I know your eyes are up there, but all the fun is down here.

   You actually play with the volume more often when watching porn.

   I feel sorry for people who get to the end of their life and realize they had wasted it trying to do what somebody else wanted them to do. Be your Truth, not someone's lie.

   For some of the rich & famous around the world. it's really sad that they can buy whatever they WANT, but have to beg for what they NEED.

   That "Ah dammit!" moment when you wake up and use the bathroom and your urine goes in 5 different directions soaking everything but the toilet itself.