Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel better now that I have my Facebook friends ranked in descending order of who I'd eat in the event of a food shortage.

   I can't grow sideburns but hope to one day have ear-hair that's long enough for a combover.

   I'm not just great in bed. I'm great other places, too.

   "Vagisil Wash" is regular soap marketed to really really insecure women.

   When the fake-thunder sound effect goes off in the produce section, I know it's time to urinate on the lettuce.

   It's difficult for me to knock Scientology because most of the lies I've told for money were far more insane.

   I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

   Many of the problems in Rick James's life could have been avoided if he could have taken Superfreak home to mother.

   The Bermuda Triangle has been quiet lately. Too quiet.

   You can call me many things but never, ever call me a 'scofflaw'. It's a stupid word.

   My advice is to make money the old fashioned way (by intercepting Spanish galleons transporting gold from the New World).

   Ordered a plunger and a snare drum on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, thank me

   its been so windy lately, I think mother nature ate some bad Taco Bell.

   If I ever run into the Captain of the Costa Concordia, I'm gonna kick him in the gondola!

   The most best things in life can't be seen or touched....at least that's what the restraining order says.

   Wind: Not a fan.

   Facebook Duck Hunt: Every time you see a girl making the duckface in a photo, you comment "BANG!!!"

   I've heard of Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine generals but, what in the Hell is the Surgeon general??? What does he do, order people to shoot somebody and then perform surgery? Talk about "job security" huh?

   I always keep a baseball bat under my bed, just in case someone breaks into the house and throws a ball at me.

   Some woman kicked me in the crotch today and now my head is killing me.