Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you get caught cheating run...

   How exactly is carrying a screaming two year old different from playing the bagpipes?

   The best thing about Africa is that you never get Facebook updates about what people are eating.

   Joe Paterno has died....Now Penn State students can riot again and break more $hit.

   Instead of knowing what the #1 song was when you were born it would be cool if it could tell you what the #1 song will be when you die. That way when you start hearing it on the radio, you'll know that the end is near.

   I just drank a manly Dr. Pepper 10 and now my balls are too big to fit in my pants.

   "Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying." - The Joker

   Always have a fake name at the ready so you don't tell the cops something stupid, like "Andrew Granola."

   Yawning is the body's way of saying '10% Battery Remaining'.

   I started an Alcohol Free Diet today. So if its Free, I drink it.

   People with a Bluetooth look like they're communicating with Douchebag Mission Control.

   doesn't care what the #1 song was the day he was born.

   i still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!

   I must be a lesbian trapped in a man's body... 'coz when I see an "all you can eat" sign, my mouth gets so wet...

   Boy: "Can I buy you a drink?"..................... Girl: "Alcohol is bad for my legs"........... Boy: "Why? Do they Swell?".....Girl: "No, they spread."

   Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!

   Now that I have hit 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka. I wonder if Metamucil will mix with Bourbon? Hmmmmm.....

   rihannas forehead would be perfect for imax movies

   I love "me" so much, my Dr gave me a nice jacket that helps me hug myself!

   If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!