Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I can't get an automatic faucet to turn on, I achieve a whole new level of low self esteem.

   My doctor drums up business by refusing to refill my prescriptions until I come in to sit in their waiting room full of people with the flu.

   When I'm drunk I just hit any buttons and put my faith in autocorrect.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.

   I don't have regrets, I have times I was "just bein' Miley."

   Nobody knows the person you no longer want to be like your family.

   just took crocs off a man sleeping in the airport & threw them in the trash because it was the right thing to do

   Of everything I've ever accomplished in my life, I'm most proud of the fact that I've never seen an episode of Jersey Shore.

   The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.

   How does your stomach know to send the burps to the mouth and the farts to your bum?

   I can't participate in tickle fights because I get inappropriate b0ners

   I'm never going to marry a woman unless I'd be proud to have a daughter exactly like her.

   Have you ever seen a girl so ugly you kept expecting "In The Arms Of The Angels" to start playing?

   Ladies stop wearing them pajama pants and them dirty Uggs!!

   Got up to watch the sunrise this morning. Orange. Real original nature, thanks for wasting my time.

   51 weeks til Christmas....lights are up!

   Shoutout to the girls that got that good rooster neck

   more technology= Less Jobs.........Simple

   The bipolar emoticon —> :):

   i don't know much about politics...but what's with this ohio cactus thing?