Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4049 of 6446

“Can I use your phone to call my mom?” “Yeah, just hit redial…

that annoying feeling that results from when I comment on someones status/pic and they dont respond but when the next person does..they write a novel response and yet still ignoring my comment and I'm stuck in between
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01-20-2012 23:09 by Ash
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"You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that" - Life

My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow.
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01-20-2012 22:31 by Aaron
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I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, Shark, Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him

I just cooked vegetables on my Foreman Grill....is that even legal....I feel dirty..

that moment of joy after feeling you've created the greatest status... then a half hour passes and your contemplating suicide since you have not a single like
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01-20-2012 22:10 by paulwall
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Why are the first tissues the hardest to get out of the box? I just need one, not ten...
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01-20-2012 22:09
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That time after the break up when your driving and the only radio stations you are left with are talk radio and mexican polka.
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01-20-2012 21:41 by ff1241
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Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned
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01-20-2012 21:02 by Daheavy1
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Pack of gum, 10 chances to turn an enemy into a friend
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01-20-2012 20:54 by BEGO
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In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.
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01-20-2012 20:50 by fadolo
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Does a prostitute file pregnancy as a work-related accident?
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01-20-2012 20:45 by BEGO
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Governments that try to control the Internet are SOPAthetic.
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01-20-2012 19:24 by recovered
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Girl says "if you dont like what I post then dont read it or delete me", now I'm getting messages in my inbox from the girl not understanding why I deleted her.
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01-20-2012 18:30
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A team of researchers have concluded the "G-spot" doesn't exist. Obviously they were looking in the wrong place....
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01-20-2012 17:48
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I should probably press charges on myself after the shower I just took.

My girl keeps her hair short so instead of holding back her hair when she pukes, I keep her boobs out of the way. I'm nice like that.

A team of researchers has concluded that the "G-spot" doesn't exist. Thank God. Now I can just focus on finding my remote.

Saw a Cougar wearing a Leopard coat, driving a Jaguar. It's a jungle out there.