Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pizza Rolls are just Hot Pockets for midgets.

   A chick who ask 4 nothin will get Everything.. A chick who ask for Everything will get NOTHIN!! #Attitude-IS-everything -

   The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.

   If there is enough room to spell 'bootylicious' on the back of your shorts...it probably isn't

   Damn, I was way off. Turns out Alien vs Predator isn't about an illegal immigrant fighting a child molester.

   Any woman who says, 'I can have any man I want' is lying, has no standards and no man wants her ass.

   I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.

   Screw a designated driver. I need a designated liver.

   Jehovah's witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.

   The DOT sent me the wrong personalized plates. They say ASSMAN

   you might think it's funny, but it's snot

   when I answered the door, the pizza delivery guy was naked. WT?

   To all d jerks & dbags, y'all are like clouds. When y'all disappear, it's a brighter day.

   My niece just made an "L" on her forehead with her thumb and index finger and directed it toward me. She has obviously invented a new word..."LAWESOME!"

   My wife said she was going to leave me so I chopped off her legs ..then she came crawling back..!!

   Why do people showoff by posting pics of the expensive and fancy alcohol they are drinking when at the end of the day we all get drunk just the same?

   I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.

   Treating a women is like tea time... You just let the pinky do what it wants.

   If you're fat and you are sitting down, there's a 100% chance your crack is showing.

   My head says, "go to the gym." But my heart says, "stay on the internet forever and eat!"