Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching American Idol and I was really hoping that first girl could sing.

   ESPN is reporting that San Francisco 49ers rookie Kyle Williams just tried to kill himself in the locker room. Luckily, he dropped the gun on the floor and it was recovered by the Giants...

   I took a Russian model shopping. Got her lots of stuff. She called home and I overheard her say in Russian, "Mama, he eece a verry rich man!" Good thing she couldn't read the sign that said 'Dollar General'.

   Everyone thinks that girls dream about finding the perfect guy, pssht we dream about eating whatever we want and not getting fat!

   P.M.S.= Pass my shotgun

   Today, my recent ex-girlfriend posted a photo of herself on Facebook. It was a picture of herself in the arms of a half-naked male stripper. She posted it on my wall.

   Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above

   The #1 biggest lie from a girl: I'm fine...

   Why do some men feel the need to make his woman jealous of other beautiful girls? A real man should be making other beautiful girls jealous of his woman!!

   I wish people on FB would just write, "I'm dying for attention! Please comment on this!". Instead of all the dramatic posts with only half the situation given.

   "Single" doesn't always mean available, just as "in a relationship" doesn't always mean happy!

   I can be doing all the right things and life still has a way of slapping me in the face..

   Good moms let you lick the beaters...great moms turn the mixer off first!!!!

   come on guys give me something worth snatching

   Three fastest ways of communication: Tele-Phone, Tele-Vision & Tell-a-Woman.

   An old man said "Erasers r made 4 those who make mistakes." A youth replied "Erasers r made 4 those who r willing 2 correct their mistakes!!" Attitude matters!!

   What I learned from Movies: No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by walking slowly

   Has discovered why losing weight when you are older is so difficult. The fat and your body have become such good friends that they don't wan to be separated.

   They told God that Joe Paterno was waiting at the Pearly Gates. And then God passed that information along to the proper authorities.

   My elderly neighbor wanted to know what my email number was.