Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Candy cigarettes are a gateway drug to rock candy.

   I think it's cool that our galaxy is named after a chocolate bar.

   If you think paper beats rock, please hold this piece of paper in front of your face for a second…

   They're coming out with a line of Kardashian Barbie Dolls. As if the actual Kardashians aren't fake enough.

   One politician endorsing another is like poo endorsing diarrhea.

   Before you make up your mind, open it.

   After meeting an ole high school friend for lunch, she said "my, you smell good, what do you have on"? I replied, "I've got a hard on, but I didnt know you could smell it"!

   They say "don't drink and drive" but yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. It made me feel dangerous!

   Chuk Noris knows everything. Except for one thing. And he knows what it is.

   I have a dream that one day I'll be able to go to work and get a pay check that 35 percent doesnt go to people that have no jobs and do nothing but smoke weed. I cant wait til November.

   I can tell I'm getting older because I need flaxseed, coffee, fiber supplements, a laptop, an iPod and a smartphone in order to take a poop.

   Here's two people with scoliosis attempting to have sex - ??

   husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." > Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" > She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to call a friend."

   Note to Self: These Note to Selves don't work.

   I just had a fart so epic & explosive Michael Bay has agreed to direct the sequels!

   I've been told by several women that I'm a great listener. A majority of whom, have huge boobs.

   Thinking about memories with my Ex makes me look forward to Alzheimers

   "From what I can remember" is the best way to start a story.

   Dear old love, I used to think I had a really low sex drive. Now I realize it was just that I wasn't really attracted to you.

   in need of some long johns