Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't want to offend anyone, but this FB app everyone seems to be doing, you know the one with the #1 song played the day you were born, well I really think some of these should be shown on an 8 track or LP instead of a cassette...

   Deny,Deny,Deny..If they aint got pictures,they aint got sh*t!

   I hate it when foreign numbers call my cell asking: "Hi, who is this??" ...You're the one that frickin called, why don't you tell me?

   Nothing says success like waking up at 6:00 pm.

   Sex is like school .. you miss a period & you're in trouble.

   Whenever my girlfriend gives me stuff to do I just add it to my bucket list.

   Just saw a pic of some light skinned black girls in thongs titled "Red Tails".

   Imodium AD: When you need to get your sh!t together.

   Do drugs!!" - Reverse psychology drug prevention program

   There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich.

   College is just a clever marketing ploy by Starbucks and Red Bull

   I have 2 missed calls from my mother. I think it's safe to say that by now there's a rescue team out there looking for me.

   I used some Special Shampoo to increase the volume of my Hair. Now it's so loud I can't hear myself think.

   I just sent out my daily 6am text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I'm going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up."

   I feel I have an on and off relationship with clothes.

   In grade school it's called bullying but when you get older it's referred to as upper level management.

   It's too bad you can't punch someone's personality.

   Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?

   HEY PEOPLE DRIVING IN SNOW, IF TRAFFIC'S REALLY BAD MAKE SURE YOU TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE ROAD AND TYPE IN A TWEET ABOUT IT, OK?

   My vet has more hair coming out of his ears than my dog. Pretty rad.