Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My piss constantly smells of Sugar Puffs, The doctor asked me today if it hurts? I said "Only when the free plastic toy comes out."

   shocked to learn his son has been telling lies at school.....I've got no kids!

   you know some fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time…” Others begin with “If elected, I promise…”

   I can't understand why Burger King is getting so much credit for their Whopper delivery idea when I've been providing the same free service to lonely women since 1983....Such a thankless job! ツ

   So I see that most of the major Pizza chains are offering Cheezy Bread Sticks as a side item to Pizza...SMH* like we are not already getting enough bread and cheese from the Pizza...lets add more on the side!! lmao- America is dying ;One Cheezy Bread Stic

   Best thing to hear at work "yall just wait here for a while"

   I think all the presidential candidates should be required to appear on who's smarter than a 5th grader ! Then we'll decide !!!

   I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.

   Speaking of 5 Guys...You want a burger with those fries?

   My gf says she's got crabs ..so I went out and bought her a pair of fish net stockings

   I'll probably be a pretty successful ghost someday since I already refuse to leave the house.

   GAGA: So famous, even babies know her name .

   Anything worth doing at all, is worth doing right.

   1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat

   A girl just flirted with me at a coffee shop. Told her to call me when she's 18 (pounds heavier; I like 'em thick)

   False praise helps no one. That's why I tell children exactly how terrible their drawings are. It's called Managing Expectations.

   Gonna hit the showers. You can do whatever you want with that information.

   I don't got much to do today, I suppose I should do something productive. I'll probably go on ahead and pre-cook this 13lbs of bacon in my fridge. You know... In case of emergency

   My girlfriend has been looking for a tampon that fits her properly for years. She's finally given up and thrown in the towel

   An Itailan officer doing a u-turn and running !!!......who would have thought ?!!!