Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tracy Morgan collapsed at Sundance and is blaming the altitude. I agree. He was way too high.

   Just choked down three bites of a gas station hot dog and now I have 7 kinds of ass cancer.

   First words I said upon waking up today were " DAVID DOESN'T CARE !!!!! " See I was woken up once again by the smut upstairs arguing and scremaing over the phone with her boyfriend David

   So Valentine's Day is about 3 wks away....While everyone else gets flowers and candy...I'll be like Charlie Brown during Halloween...."All I got is a rock"

   I enjoy long hugs and slow kisses.

   Shoutout to blondes who put on lip gloss before they brush their teeth.

   If your breath isn't flammable, you're not an alcoholic.

   I don't care about Heidi Klum and seal divorcing. Now if there is a news report of the Kardishians being hit by a piece of that Russian satellite it would be a good news day.

   I love to run my finger up the outline of a womans camel toe.

   Not caring about having a great body..caz lets face it food is better !

   Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it!!

   You know you are a Facebook Drama Queen when you post pics of yourself crying.

   Would love to grab one of those San Fran NFC Championship T-shirts before they're shipped to Uganda.

   This kid at my nephew's birthday party sh!t his pants and got to go home. I'm seriously considering this option.

   Dictators dress to oppress.

   "Page 404 Not Found" I wasn't even looking for page 404.

   10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.

   This is a plea for help; can we please make commercials and tv shows the same volume again?

   Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don't trust it. Everyone knows it's impossible to drive without eating the fries.

   If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap, and bad for you.