Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I drink whiskey, I turn into Kermit the Frog. I start talking funny, I turn green, and then I end up messing with a fat pig

   "Hope you're well" has the same amount of syllables as "rot in hell" and is a much more honest way to sign that email to your ex.

   Sometimes when a person suddenly has a problem with you, just think the issue isn't really you, it's their meds.

   Part of me thought I wouldn't be using a sock as an oven mitt at this point in my life. Another part is like "Big boy is using the stove!"

   Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies

   When I get a chick's facebook birthday notification and it's some name I don't know, I'll look to see if she's hot. If she's not...no shout out. I hate myself.

   The guy next door is a sleeptalker. The girl in the other room is too quiet. We're all being monitored by people in white uniforms...

   What's the difference between a woman and a mermaid? Nothing, they're both lady on top and fishy down there!

   Being a nobody and getting your head pumped up by a bunch of other nobodys does NOT make you a somebody. 0 + 0 is still 0...Just FYI...

   I don't wanna speak to soon, but the new iPhone is way better at taking pictures of my wiener in the dark than the old one.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me.

   To save time, I like to show up to my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown.

   "Dad! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH MY GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM OFF! Just kidding. It only eats kids. Goodnight..."

   If you want to know anything, come over to my house...my wife apparently knows everything.

   peeing and sneezing at the same time is never a good combination.

   I never get tired of a woman saying oh my God its so big when I pull down my pants.

   I've been missing my wife lately.... but my aim is improving

   Women's Ass Sie Study..30% of women think their ass is too fat..10% of women think their ass is too skinny..The reminaing 60% say they dont care,they love him,he's a good man & they wouldn"t trade him for the world!

   I just watched Godzilla backwards. It's like, it's about this dinosaur who insanely pieces a city back together, then moonwalks into the ocean.

   The hell with what song was number one when I was born, I wanna know what kinky $hit my parents were listening to when I was conceived.