Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A noise just came from my closet. I'm really hoping it's the Boogeyman and not R Kelly.

   When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls.

   What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch,,,,,,,,,NAMES

   Some people say I'm random. But who cares, chocolate is amazing.

   Women go shopping at the mall, Men go shopping on Facebook.

   Your mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks at a map she can see people waving.

   Q. What's the differance between a French girl and a sea lion? A. One has a mustaches and stinks of fish and the other live's in the sea.

   Being single sucks.....especially when all 3 of your roommates date moaners...

   I took up for you today, someone told me that you eat sh!t sandwiches. I said they was wrong because you dont eat bread.

   Mustaches are just wings for your nose

   No man should own a pair of the ankle socks with the cotton back on the back of them

   If Its Not on the first Search Page of Google, It doesn't Exist .

   Who wants to go to walmart and show off our teeth?

   It's SO ADORABLE when my kid's fish sleeps upside down. Because that's what it's doing. Sleeping upside down. At least until I go to Petco.

   Every girl I bring home is unemployed, drunk and on drugs. I'm starting to think that whole "opposites attract" thing is bullsh$t

   Whenever I have a dream about someone, It's always awkward seeing them the next day.

   I can't believe Lou Gehrig's parents named him after a DISEASE

   Faithful on your wall, but cheating in their FB inbox.

   Instead of a wallet, I always keep my money in an envelope that says "For the orphans" so people will feel terrible if I'm ever murdered.

   Advancements in phone technology are making it really difficult for me to make new excuses as to why I am ignoring them.