Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maintaining a Facebook page for your dog is an easy way to let all your friends know you're crazy.

   Maybe the government clamping down on the internet isn't such a bad thing. The only thing I ever got off of Craigslist was chlamydia!

   I just heard someone described as a "YouTube star" which I don't think is actually a thing.

   Before you could say that the dog was the best friend of man ... But that was before Twitter !

   Really now... a show called: "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   If you are ever invited to anyone's Emotional Amusement Park, always aviod their Roller Coaster of Stupid Mistakes and ask them to meet you at the Carousel of Common Sense.

   preparing for sunshine but expecting rain.

   perfume and frustration...smells like you got stood up.

   go into a crowded room, shout, "HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME?" whoever turns around and answers is a bad person.

   It's almost midnight and my bed right now is like that special girl you fantasize about having sex with...I want to get in it so bad.

   I always help people when they need it......not when its convenient for me! And I always stand behind my word ...Its called being a man!

   FREEBIRD! (When you purchase a bird of equal or lesser value.)

   Governments that try to control the internet are SOPAthetic

   Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single.

   The single most suspicious thing you can do when someone walks into the room is to minimize your browser

   Lil Wayne = 5% black. 95% tattoos.!!

   "Let's talk dirty" ... "What DID YOU SAY?!" ... "I said it's 10:30...

   If I was stranded on a desert island & could only bring 1 thing, I would bring Dora. That b!tch has everything in her backpack

   The government closed Megaupload and Piratebay.org might be next.. But life goes on.. We will always find a way.. Mark my words.

   I would love to see Flo @ Progressive hook up with Mayhem @ Allstate. Their kids would be bright, shiny, bundles of conniving, deceptive, destructive energy!