Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4043 of 5594

Part of me thought I wouldn't be using a sock as an oven mitt at this point in my life. Another part is like "Big boy is using the stove!"

Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies
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01-24-2012 10:26
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When I get a chick's facebook birthday notification and it's some name I don't know, I'll look to see if she's hot. If she's not...no shout out. I hate myself.
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01-24-2012 10:26
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The guy next door is a sleeptalker. The girl in the other room is too quiet. We're all being monitored by people in white uniforms...

What's the difference between a woman and a mermaid? Nothing, they're both lady on top and fishy down there!
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01-24-2012 10:22
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Being a nobody and getting your head pumped up by a bunch of other nobodys does NOT make you a somebody. 0 + 0 is still 0...Just FYI...
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01-24-2012 10:19 by FADOLO
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I don't wanna speak to soon, but the new iPhone is way better at taking pictures of my wiener in the dark than the old one.

Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me was bothering me.

To save time, I like to show up to my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown.

"Dad! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH MY GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM OFF! Just kidding. It only eats kids. Goodnight..."
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01-24-2012 09:27
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If you want to know anything, come over to my house...my wife apparently knows everything.

peeing and sneezing at the same time is never a good combination.

I never get tired of a woman saying oh my God its so big when I pull down my pants.
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01-24-2012 08:17
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I've been missing my wife lately.... but my aim is improving
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01-24-2012 07:42
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Women's Ass Sie Study..30% of women think their ass is too fat..10% of women think their ass is too skinny..The reminaing 60% say they dont care,they love him,he's a good man & they wouldn"t trade him for the world!
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01-24-2012 07:28
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I just watched Godzilla backwards. It's like, it's about this dinosaur who insanely pieces a city back together, then moonwalks into the ocean.
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01-24-2012 06:00 by Mickey
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The hell with what song was number one when I was born, I wanna know what kinky $hit my parents were listening to when I was conceived.
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01-24-2012 05:18
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Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
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01-24-2012 04:21
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I like to drink before I go to the movies, it loosens me up so I can talk to the people around me.
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01-24-2012 04:19
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it is impossible for any man to walk past a punching bag and not hit it at least twice
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01-24-2012 04:18
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