Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being a ugly woman is like being a man- you're going to have to work.

   Kangaroos cant hop backwards.... it's not very funny, but you learned something! I don't care how drunk you get tonight, you will never forget that!

   The Blind side- Letting people know that kidnapping is profitable

   I love tattoos- every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh were my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished.

   Did Chris Brown really beat rihanna, or did rihanna get to close when Chris was dancing? I dunno I wasn't there.

   I fold and hang clothes all day at work...then on my day off I have to do laundry...now I know what a prostitute feels like coming home to her man

   I've stopped trying to fight my inner demons. We're all on the same side now.

   I hate it when every time I like someone's status, there is always this person named "You" that likes it at the exact same time on the exact same status.

   A woman can make a man a millionaire... If he's a billionaire

   For a change a pace tonight I'm going to watch TV while laying on the couch as opposed to lay on the couch while watching TV.

   MOM: Back in the day we didnt have internet…ME:” well thats just too bad for you.

   I think I'm going to end up like Plankton. Marrying my computer.!!

   Figuring things out for yourself is practically the only freedom anyone really has nowadays. Use that freedom.

   I just set off the airport metal detector with my abs of steel.

   this is the earliest I've ever been late...

   I don't always drink beer... Ahh, who am I kidding? I always drink beer.

   I'm convinced that whoever invented crack cocaine is also responsible for Samoa girl scout cookies. The similarities are too obvious to ignore...

   I hate texting people who don't use smileys. I feel like I'm texting an emotionless robot!!!

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I just hope they split us up by the music genre.

   Girls Theory “Listen Half, Understand Quarter, Think Zero & React DOUBLE”