Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think it's kind of funny when walking through a store past the women's intimate apparel section, or pass a Victoria's Secret in the mall, and the bra's are displayed on a "rack."

   Laugh and the world laughs with you. Keep laughing and they'll lock you up.

   Welcome to Facebook, choose your category: Comedian, Philosopher, Protester, or Drama Queen

   80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.

   accidentally ordered the Chewbaco at Jack in the Box…it's terrible I found a huge hair in my wookie taco.

   If you ever need anything... call someone else first. If they aren't able to help you... then try calling someone else!

   Watch what you say to me today... because it will be recorded and played back for you tomorrow!

   We can bailout Big Banks, but we can save an American Iconic Twinkie factory from going out of business??? Priorities People!!!!

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels

   I just dipped my Kit Kat into peanut butter and now I know why dogs will bite you if you get too close to their food

   On a scale from 1-10, how much do you like the number 7?

   They should make a bubble bath that smells like diesel exhaust for us manly men.

   I have jury duty in the court of public opinion today.

   They call themselves political “parties” because they expect the working class to clean up the mess after they've had their fun.

   I wonder who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian marriage?

   People with a Bluetooth look like they're communicating with Douchebag Mission Control.

   Sending a risky text & thinking.. “Oh god, they hate me,” if they don't respond within 30 seconds.

   NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”  

   NO, you don't have “haters”. People just don't like you. Get over yourself.

   I think HR just keeps me around to help them write their new hand book. Every time I get called there they say "oh I've got to write this down!"