Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Country music backwards . He gets his truck , his house and his dog back .

   Biggest lie- I'm not drinking no more after tonight

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." By benefits I mean they would own an ice cream store, and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   I bought a used sex doll. I like a woman with experience.

   My iPhone just auto-corrected "I will be home shortly" to "I wish I was single"

   Some people's morning breath is an effective form of birth control.

   My girlfriend said I should get the same hairstyle as Justin Bieber. So I shaved off my pubic hair.

   Declining a Facebook friend request is one of the finer moments in life.

   Steven Tyler singing the national anthem proves he needs a band behind him....he cannot sing.

   Think she might leave you? Take pictures of her naked in case she does.

   I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

   I've heard that the hardest part of Rollerblading is telling your parents that you're gay.

   If you google "Republican Debate" your computer starts to yawn.

   If you see any grown man with beads at the end of his braids, please knock his azz TF out

   They might as well start teaching texting while driving in driver's education classes.

   Your beer goggles say she's a 9, but my BROnoculars say she's a 3.

   Ed Hardy makes the "find the douchebag" game really easy.

   Makeup, soda, sandwich, texting, talking, then I realized she was driving the car in front of me, in traffic.

   I only like foods that begin with the word "cheesy".

   In porn, large breasted women home alone order a LOT of pizza and never have money. They've lots to learn about nutrition & cash management.