Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Smithers, I dont believe in suicide but it would help cheer me up if you tried it.

   "Daddy, what's a cross-dresser?" Ask mommy, he knows.

   The guy with the diesel-powered lawn equipment finished doing what he was doing in the nick of time. I've taken my finger off the trigger....

   Last time I checked, my name wasn't in the dictionary. Therefore, I can't be defined.

   I LOVE sleeping,,,,,, It's like being dead,,, Without all the commitment

   Takes one to know one cutie^

   My goal on Saturday is to spend the maximum amount of time being horizontal as possible.

   I don't think we can be friends if you're not mentally & physically prepared to play my gen!tals like a naughty game of "Bop it".

   I thought about going out tonight but am too lazy to take a shower and clean up. Times like this, make me wish Walmart had a bar.

   I wish I could be gay just to piss off the haters

   I just killed someone with kindness but they were miraculously resurrected as a demi-douche and expunged me with brazen disregard.

   Just smoked some dried cat poop that I thought was weed, and now I think I'm turning Siamese!

   Ok, let's stop saying “Happy New Year” to everyone. It's January 7th and it's just awkward.

   Ah, Portland. The Land of Port. I'm originally from the Isle of Long.

   I truly believe that every one of you have that one tweet in you that could change the world or remind me to change the bong water.

   its saturday and cartoons are on!

   It takes a lot of nerve to speak out against gay anything while wearing a sweater vest.....

   To you it's copyright infringement, to me it's a remix.

   Big girls don't cry. Well, not tears. It's a combination of chocolate, movie popcorn butter, and broken dreams.

   I could win American Idol if they just let me bring my shower on stage.