Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1f you c4n r34d 7h15 you r34lly n33d t0 g3t 0ff 7h3 c0mpu73r 8^)

   #IfWomenRuledTheWorld the wings on airplanes would flap

   I remember passing gum in school was like drug dealing....

   Everything is within walking distance, as long as you've got the time.

   My doctor's waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more beautiful women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And booze.

   I am painting a blue square in the backyard, so google earth thinks I have a pool!

   You are more confused than a male lady bug

   I hate when stupid people try & make YOU feel stupid because they don't understand you.

   Let's stay together = let's change the channel

   Why don't we take this relationship to the next level and you loan me some money.

   Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.

   I was touched by an angel, inappropriately.

   Be still like a mountain and flow like a great river. But not during sex, that's just selfish.

   The best things in life are not things...they're acts. Whether it be acts of kindness, comedy acts, or sex acts.

   Schools need to include a new subject into the curriculum called, "Learn how to shut up and learn"

   If your child was pregnant at 16, why would you put them on a TV show? Isn't that kind of rewarding them for being a slut?

   Thought about asking someone if they wanted to be my "It's complicated" status...

   Swear I bet you if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said "I'm brushing my hair". It would get about 50 likes.

   I just bought a Dyson ball cleaner.......I should read the intructions because I'm pretty sure I'm not usng it properly

   It's funny how two females could hate one another because of a guy, but the guy doesn't give a damn about either one of them