Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried letting a smile be my umbrella, but you can't whack people with a smile!

   Red Cross called and asked if I could donate to the Huntsville, Alabama floods. I told them that I would, but my garden hose only reaches to the end of my driveway....

   A gynaecologist is the only fool on earth who looks for problems in a place where others find pleasure.

   Narnia is a bad movie for gays...it asks you to remain in the closet for the best adventures and fun

   Here's a good way to find out if your mission on earth is complete: if your alive, it isn't.

   Laughter is the best medicine. But laugh for no reason and you need medicine.

   MTV has proven that the recent rise in teenage pregnancy has reallyyyyy changed the definition of a MILF

   Dear Toilet seat cover, when I'm done and start to get up, please let go of my ass cheek, Sincerely Every Man, Woman and child.

   i have all the right answers ...you just ask the wrong questions

   You know.. Ive lost so many guy friends by askin a simple question.." Do you have twitter?"

   When someone talks to you and that little drop of spit shoots out there mouth and onto u. you all play it off.. but inside ur like (°°) wtf!

   I have some bad news and a Justin Bierber CD. Which one would you like to hear first ?

   Why do fellas use a condom on a chick the first time or two, but then just start going raw thereafter like STDs have a trial period?

   If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

   Graduating college in 4 years is like leaving a party at 10:30

   I wonder how long it would take a giraffe to throw up.

   Some people's standards don't match their face.

   Hey Verification Code, I have no idea what the heck that says but I swear I'm human.

   I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.

   Ladies; Take care of your eyes, they're the only balls you have.