Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn't follow the script.

   please ignore this status, I am standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am textin

   Wanna fix the economy? Find a cure for dumba$$

   Just parted the red sea with a big log. Moses would be proud.

   Beer Run! Its like a marathon but instead of drinking water you have beer and there is actually no running involved.

   I can run with scissors cause I know how to roll.

   Your not old until your toenails look like Frito chips.

   what is up with these sweatpants and UGGS, totally NOT sexy

   I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack:)

   Dear grown folks, Stop going broke trying to look rich and act your WAGE:)

   A bald Barbie? It's about time the drapes matched the carpet!

   I grew up with six sisters. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom.

   There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't

   I'm just waiting for Tim Tebow to get caught with a hooker and an 8 ball. You KNOW it's going to happen.

   I can't believe that it's the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.

   My 2 year old is going through a phase where she screams out what she is about to do before she does it. I had to explain to her that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that. :)

   My boyfriend yawned during sex, but I really have to blame the dog watching us because he yawned first.

   Naps are for old people. I was taking a horizontal life pause. :)

   Turn that baby's cry into a jazzy tune by putting a harmonica in it's mouth!

   If I was a bird, I know who I would $h!t on