Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and my girlfriend both said on their status that they are going to go live in Brazil for a few months. Is there something I should know about???????

   My wife just said shes going to live in Estonia for 15 months! PARTY AT MY PLACE!!!

   Hey Clay Aiken, Rocky Dennis called. He wants his face back.

   You're not an alcoholic; you're a soberphobic.

   I bet Adele sweats gravy.

   90% Of men have no taste or standards they just wanna get laid.

   Now wait a minute, y'all This status ain't for everybody?"Only the sexy people. So all you fly mothers, get on out there and “Like” “Like”, I said!"

   Just once I would like to see some creativity and have a meeting done with interpretive dance instead of powerpoint

   What can I say ... I'm The Guy that Adele is singing about !

   Its a dog, not an accessory! Get that poor thing outta your purse lady!!

   "Meet local singles here." No thanks randomly placed ad. I know local singles and there is a reason they are in fact single!

   I love this global warming! Who cares if my Grand kids won't get to see a Polar bear. I didn't get to see a dinosaur, & I turned out ok. At least the melting ice caps will cover Jersey Shore with water, so they won't have to see that either.

   My friend asked me today what the name of the show is where they go fishing and catch all the crabs..I said "Jersey Shore"...Was I wrong?

   I got 99 problems but the clap aint one

   People who bring their own bags to the grocery store always look like they're waiting for applause.

   I don't want to make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the hat I wore in high-school.

   I like hearing how actors shouldn't have political opinions from people who worship Ronald Reagan.

   There is one vision that gives me constant happiness, your two enormous breasts

   I play real sports…I'm not trying to be the best at exercising

   This toilet seat is frickin cold!!