Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love when my friends tell me they have 3 or 4 days off from work. Then want to make plans to go out and expect me to pay the bill because their check sucked. Well maybe your a$$ should of went to work instead of bragging about being off.

   I'm not drunk...I'm avoiding snipers.

   My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.

   My anorexic friend died doing what she loved. Starving.

   They say you are whatt you eat, but I dont remember eating a sexy beast,.......hahaha

   A jealous woman does better research than the FBI....

   I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone

   I hope one day you will grow older than your ego.

   If you must have religion in your life, choose the best religion: Kindness.

   I heard Soulja Boy just went platinum...in Antarctica

   Some people are so dumb that I automatically assume their parents are siblings.

   if niky minaj gained 300lbs she would look exactly like my wife

   when your stomach hangs down past your crotch...its time to stop eating unless you like the "i have no waist or hips" look

   Me and my recliner...we go way back.

   just because YOU think that your pretty dosent make you pretty it just means your EGO is as ugly and fat as YOU are

   thinking about going over to Walmart and showing off my teeth.

   Breaking News: New Chinese TV leaks just enough radiation so you get a gorgeous tan while watching

   Nobody likes the person that asks, "Well, where did you put it last?"

   Remember, what doesn't kill you, makes a great story.

   The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.