Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Internet Users, Someday, you're going to regret not reading me... Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.

   On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

   I will no longer respect Marine Biologists, if they don't name the new shark species, "Gary Busey"

   My girlfriend told me that she has bronchitis. I wish I had a dinosaur.

   Sh!t happens. Just flush the toilet and move on...!

   Im the guys she marrys, your the guy she only loves in a handicapped bathroom.

   HOSTESS has filled for Bankruptcy Protection !!! What is this world coming too? The Good News is the Twinkies will Outlast us all. I think the shelf life is um, Forever.

   Damn, you look better than ever. LOL JK, you've been hittin up McDonalds lately, right?

   Brb = looking for an excuse to stop talking to you

   not to be rude but, I really don't care.. like, at all.

   having his name changed ti zippidy do wap peddy pop

   "I wasn't that high!" "Dude, you walked into class, late, sat down & tried to put your seatbelt on."

   Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a $100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?"

   I love reading Facebook drama, people go so hard behind that keyboard!

   Dwayne Wade n Chris Bosh both took cpr classes this summer... just incase Lebron decides to choke again this year.

   Today I changed my name in my dads phone to God and when he swore I texted him saying "I HEARD THAT!" The look on his face; priceless.

   I don't care if you think I'm crazy. Life is too short to be normal!

   "I wasnt that drunk.." ... "bro you threw my parrot into a wall screaming "ANGRY BIRDS! " @___@

   When you know why you like someone, it's a crush. When you have no reason or explanation, it's love.

   The f***ing thing I f***ing like the most in the f***ing english language is that you can f***ing put the f***ing word "f***ing" every f***ing place you f***ing want.