Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some day's should come with a warning label: Today's gonna suck, so bring alcohol.

   Dear Mr Sandman ~ I think you lost my Address!

   Feisty & Non compliant, can I get a behavior plan over here?

   I dont know about you, but I think I'm perfectly ok that nobody ever pays me in gum.

   Science FAcT: If you tookkall the veins from your body and lay them end to end, you would die

   I'm like the reverse Michael Jackson. I always wanted to be black. I'm sexually attracted to adults, and I have no talent whatsoever.

   Well, this is my favorite time of year! Coming up this weekend...on Friday and Saturday before super bowl, they will have the BEST free samples at Costco.

   Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it's only Tuesday.

   Seriously, if you get turned on by watching a woman eat a banana, then you've had some pretty terrible blow jobs.

   am I the only one after hitting my head when getting up, even though I know what I hit it on, I have to stare at it with a dirty look?

   Advertising has taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.

   Ben Franklin started 1st Colonial Printing Press using Hemp paper. Not saying he smoked it. Lots of sober guys fly kites in Thunderstorms.

   So far today I have gotten out of bed, washed and dressed myself and left the house. That's it. Must try harder.

   "Son, are you gay?" - No, i´m a princess.

   so surprised I dont see more homeless people wearing bowling shoes..

   walmart..where theres more skin tags than price tags

   -Thinking about the time I got head so good I drooled in her hair by mistake o.0

   FYI - It's really difficult writing a death threat while you're listening to Journey.

   Once it has been crushed completely, you will find that your spirit is much easier to snort.

   "We can't see eye to eye all the time." -- Someone who wants to 69