Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I instantly smile when I see a text from you, I don't care what's in it. It's amazing to know I crossed your mind even just for a second.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs.

   Apparently one in ten people in the UK live next to a paedophile. Not me, I live next to two gorgeous 13 year olds

   I've always pronounced duct tape as duck tape.

   "An idea whose time has come cannot be stopped by any army or any government." - Ron Paul

   Whenever someone says, "I dont drink alcohol" all I hear is, "I am boing"

   SpaghettiOs ® amazing.

   Twenty two seconds ago I wanted to punch you in the face...stupid commercial.

   The key to a womens heart is... giving her all of yours! <3

   Facebook should have a limit to the amount of times you can change your relationship status, after three changes, it should default to "UNSTABLE".

   ‎"Can I see your phone?" "Uhm, yeah, a moment, I just have to send a text." <Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete>

   boys want to loose deir virginity as soon as posible,girls want to loose it as late as posible. Woman want to get married as soon as posible wereas man want to get married as late as posible

   Have you ever watched you sister or gf actually play a fightin game? Its like watchin a cat on ice playin with bubble wrap.

   No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.

   I hate it when people say " you need your beaut sleep" damn B**ch, you need to hibernate!

   Oh, the good old days before Facebook, when you didn't care whether anyone "liked" you or not.

   I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don't own an iPad.  Also, I'm out of vodka.

   I am attracted to those which I cannot have, and I am chased by those which I do not want.!

   The wife wants me to take her to one of those fancy resturants where they prepare your food right in front of you. Does anyone know if I need reservations for Waffle House?

   Pat Sajak was drunk at the wheel......