Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You win some, you lose some, and if your lucky, you get some.

   You know....spring must be just around the corner....I just saw 2 crackheads pawning a space heater....who needs a dumbass groundhog?

   I'd rather die than commit suicide.

   On a Sunday afternoon, if I dont wake up with a headache, well that just means I was outta liquor or cash...

   I'm so out of your league, even your fantasy version of me ignores you.

   I was mugged by 2 chinese guys. I told the police how they looked like and they narrowed it down to 53,000 suspects.

   Someone stole my coffee cup from work yesterday. I'll be back, gonno go down to the police station to look at some mug shots.

   If you never stuck a butterknife in the cable box to kind of see the porn channel then you never had a childhood.

   *When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick*

   If you fall, I'll be there - The Floor

   Awkwardly flushing the toilet when everyone else is sleeping

   I like to go to parks and watch the children run around because they don't know I'm using blanks

   Nobody is calling you man...TAKE THE FN BLUETOOTH OUT OF UR EAR

   Okay, move along! There is nothing to see here!!

   Okay, Bee Gees, I'll bite. What qualifies as "more than a woman"?

   roses are red and violets are blue my fat doesnt hang down to my crotch how about you

   i wake up every morning and high five my ego

   I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I was sweating...

   One of the best feelings in the world is when you hug someone you love and they pepper spray you.

   Next time a girl pisses you off... Just tell her your guna slap the sh!t out of her t!tt!es.. Wait for her facial reaction to change.. And then walk away like a BOSS!