Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me.

   If they changed the title of that movie from "The Artist" to "The Fartist" the odds of me paying to see it would increase dramatically.

   I'm supposed to use beer to wash out the remnants of glue from my brain electrodes. Does it matter what kind of beer?

   Dear Chicken I don't get why you r so popular 4 crossing the road ... Yours Sincerely The cow that jumped over the Möön

   Blow Jobs are better than No Jobs - Bill Clinton

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry"

   So glad I'm a guy. Haven't fought with a friend since 1985.

   says the scariest thing in the world is to know what a cat is thinking when it stares at you

   If I hear Jennifer Hudson sing "I am you, you are me...If you want it you got it..." Then I'm going to start expecting her Weight Watchers endorsement checks.

   Today is my day off so I'll spend it worrying that I'm wasting my day off before I have to go back to work.

   Who the hell is this Will Power guy everyone is talking about? Maybe I'll run into him at the bar after my A.A. meeting.

   I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.

   After years of being called 'behind the times', I've finally got a trendy haircut. Just check out my profile pic on MySpace, losers! (

   If Facebook gets any slower, I'm just going to jog to each of your houses and shout out stuff.

   Just walked into the kitchen and a broom fell towards me. I yelled "ah!" and pushed it away. Bring it on ninjas!

   I must have been extreme snoring last night. I woke up this morning and my uvula was on the ceiling.

   Dear Wednesday, Please treat me nicely, Thanks.

   I found my first grey pubic hair today....normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

   Im not a Giants fan but I pay NY taxes so I can root for them whenever I want.

   Back in the day people kept promises. I know this cause plenty of people crossed their hearts and hoped to die and none of them had a needle stuck in their eye!