Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dating a psyho woman is like dropping the soap in jail. You wish you never made that mistake in the first place!

   You can tell some girls are sluts because you can smell it through their Facebook photos.

   Be glad you're not here to smell that one.

   Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you!

   Its amazing how many bad decisions can be justified or explained away by just saying, "I was drunk" or "I was in love"

   When a woman is upset she only uses one word answers.

   Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.

   If you're going to be alive, you might as well be incredible.

   What no one tells you about rock bottom is that it has a fantastic open bar.

   I lost a friend overnight, It was very sudden. There must be a reason, but I can't for the life of me think what it might be. Now they're gone. Yesterday I had 583 friends, now only 582 I hope everyone reads this far before they say "sorry for your loss"

   im smart because I can play stupid to perfection

   attended a fundraiser for a new women's shelter called "Tempura House"...apparently they work with Lightly battered women..

   The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

   whenever people ask me why I am putting on so much weight, I like to answer with,"Well, trying to grow brea$ts so I can get more likes on my status updates!"

   You know its tax season when people start posting pictures of their rent money

   The dislikes for the above post...guess where THEY live?

   You can take the "trash" out of the trailer, but you can't take the "trailer" out of the trash.

   6.9 billion people, 6.9 billion different opinions about life, the world, and God.

   No, I'm not cheap, I'm just smart with my money.

   I have a ton of children's book ideas. Has anyone ever done an uplifting tale about a kitten on the Titanic?