Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mothers can either make the Best wing-men or the Worst c0ck-blockers

   Apparently this Victoria's Secret catalog isn't scratch-n-sniff.

   íts funnч hσw whєn ím σn thє phσnє í wαndєr tσ plαcєs ín mч hσusє í nєvєr gσ.

   THE ARTISTS may have the most Academy Awards Nominations, but at my house I have been nominated for BEST FATHER and BEST HUSBAND not forgetting BEST MASTER by my dog.

   I know this chick that can do more tricks on a six inch d*ck than a monkey on a mile of grapevine.

   I don't have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.

   well done liverpool fc for knocking manchester united out the FA CUP

   The cashier is telling me to "have a nice day," but judging by her tone she wants me to "die in a tire fire."

   This empty bottle of rum has very good manners for being completely drunk. I on the other hand do not.

   Alanis Morissette should have had one hand in her pocket, and the other one Googling the correct usage of the word ironic.

   Am I the only person who thinks that Walmart is missing out on a major opportunity by not having a Golden Corral in all of their stores?

   Dear Mr. Kotter, Juan was unable to complete his homework because he had to take me to the Doctor for my lumbago. Signed, Epstein's Mother RIP Robert Hegyes

   Be careful who you call friends. I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.

   "I don't know why poor people hate me. There's always a new refrigerator box in my front yard for them to use."~ Rush Limbaugh

   Forget Vi@gra. They need to invent a pill that'll make a girl like me for four hours.

   Dear fake profile with bikini pics that just friend requested me: 1. I have a great memory for hot chicks; I don't know you. 2. 52 of our "mutual friends" are idiots. 3.They're all guys......color me surprised.

   ATTENTION LADIES!, If he only wants your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC;

   I just read a news article with the headline "Woman beats off rapist" and I thought, "Well, that seems like a reasonable compromise...."

   Fellas: She exercises with a Shake Weight to perfect her hand job, marry her

   When playing Modern Warfare 3 video game, is the menu suppose to…okay, I guess by now the girls have stopped reading. So fellas, any of you out there get nervous when make up sex starts with a BJ?