Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ah memory impairment...the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle

   Women spend their whole lives thinking they are fat when they are perfect. Men spend their lives thinking they are perfect even when they are Fat !

   There is no pain you are receding. Britney Spears,

   That night in september 1945 if Mary Ann had only told Fred she had a headache, we all would be better off today.

   A hookah is just a glorified bong.

   After the coronavirus passed I'm going to be in need a facebookers anonymous meeting.

   Going to Wal-Mart will help build up your immune system for just about everything except Covid-19...

   Beavers don't go to heaven. In the afterlife they are sent to eternal dam nation.

   Since it is actually impossible to know which part of my life is the middle, I've decided to have a on-going crisis.

   The salons have been closed for so long nobody is posting selfies anymore. They're all posting avatars.

   If you are here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

   Coronavirus Problem #137: How does one receive oral gratification when the other participant is wearing a mask?

   I'm convinced that to become a realtor, the only required skill is to be able to look nothing like you do on your business card.

   I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It just craps on the floor.

   "I'm sorry to burden you with letting you know of my death, Mrs. Cleaver. But may I say that is a lovely dress you're wearing today." - Eddie Haskell

   I was in queue at the supermarket when a lady in front farted I got upset but before I say something, she turned around and said, 'if you heard that, then you are not keeping your distance,If you smelled it, then your face mask isn't helping you at all

   Wife: “ I'm always here helping you through hardship when no one else is around;” Me: “ If you weren't here, there were no hardship and everyone else were around.”

   Hasn't been a lot of UFO sightings lately which makes me wonder if everyone staring down at the phones has anything to do with that?

   The spread of the coronavirus is based on two factors. 1) How dense the population is. 2) How dense the population is.

   Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...