Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spend so much time with the Internet that it could be considered online dating.

   Roses are red Violets are blue Porn hub is downYour mums Facebook will do..

   I'm going to admit myself into the Hokey-Pokey Institute and turn my life around.

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "ooo yes please, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   GOVERNMENT ADVICE When travelling in extreme weather conditions everyone to take with them, a bottle of water, some energy bars, a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket. I looked a right twat on the train this morning.

   Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time l thought hang on!

   My missus said "get some of those tablets that help you get an erection", should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills!

   In honor of Dr. Martin Luther King I will be marching 12 miles to work today in the middle of the street....

   I once denied a friend request from the most interesting man in the world.

   What if random erections are actually ninja handjobs?

   If you prefer a particular brand of bottled water, you should be sent away to a special camp.

   Husband:"My Olympic condoms are here, I think I'll wear the gold one 2night" Wife:"Couldnt you wear the silver one and come 2ND 4 a change"

   If you ask me, people who harm children should be strangled at birth.

   "And the flowers are still standing!"

   I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   thank you Tom Brady for showing the world that you have way more GOD given talent than Tebow!

   Gotta check my undies; I just made a Joyful Noise.

   Marriage is like a deck of cards: In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

   When I was in the 10th grade I was taught $ex-ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian.

   The last time a Christian was that thoroughly torn apart, Caligula was Emporer.