Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I outswitted the smartest person on the planet today in debate, then realized it was just anothr one of my personalities....

   On my way to the hospital. Just an FYI... Red Bull does NOT give you wings! It gives you a false sense of wings.

   Valentine's gift ❒Electric Tooth Brush ❒ Electric Blanket ✔ Electric Chair

   I'm not hungover, I'm just tired from a long night of drinking

   due to lack of interest tomorrow is cancelled.

   "Babe, is it in?" "Yeah" "Is it hurting?" "Mmhmm" "Let me try to put it in slowly" "Ouch,it still hurts!" "Ok, let's try another shoe size...

   Did you know, That if you yell "bloody Mary" 3 times in front of ur mirror at 3AM ur mom will show up & tell you to shut up and go to bed?

   It's bullsh!t that 1-800-PET-MEDS won't deliver medicinal marijuana to my dog.

   you know....I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader"....but I can buy booze!....so Booyah B!itches!!

   so....my uncle came out of the closet yesterday....Oh, he's not gay....he just has Alzheimer's and thought it was his car....

   "Hi" "Hi" "Did you eat?" "Did you eat?" "Are you copying me?" "Are you copying me?" "I love you!" "Yeah, I ate already.."

   Hey Mom! I have good news!" "You got a 100% on your math test?!" "I said I have good news, not a miracle"

   My girlfriend said she needed some time alone to herself, so I set her up a Myspace account.

   Remember Emo Phillips, not to be confused with emu..stringy long hair over fugly face? ueah, I think he started the whole look

   You only think I'm engaged in ur pathetic life story, om really wondering if monkey nipp!es get hard when theyre cold

   I fractured my @ss today doing a cannonball into the bathtub today...

   Why do they have a beauty section at Walmart?

   I go to the club and get guys trashed so I can take their girlfriends home.

   made a "One Night Stand Kit" to give women who I have slept with ,, which includes a prepaid cellphone, toothbrush, and enough money for cab fare.

   ""When people cut you down. Or talk behind your back. remember they took time out of their pathetic lives, To think about you.""