Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why is it that when you fart silent somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or sits behind you??

   Do something awesome, no one sees it. Do something embarrassing, everyone sees it.

   If a tomato is a fruit, then isn't ketchup technically a smoothie?

   I secretly like days when none of my facebook friends have birthdays.

   Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on them.

   im not saying I did anythin wrong, but, this is omportant, can you get dna from human poo

   i took my dog for a walk, and well, long story short anyone know how to get silly putty out of a keyhole

   The apple only falls where you leave it !

   Dear Mr Sandman ~ I think you lost my address for some reason. If you want to bring me a dream you can deposit it in my bank account!!

   just huffed a can of spray cheese, now I'm full... and stoned

   Revenge .....Naaaaa , I'm too lazy , I'm just going to sit here and let Karma Fvck you up

   When OBAMA said he is going to get the jobs back from China were the jobs swimming back to America, because it is taking awhile

   You can tell you're a real John Wayne kind of man when it doesn't even matter what color bendy straw you use in your chocolate milk.

   Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There is nothing like having a midget for a butler.

   just got my girlfriend her valentines day gift.. shes gonna love her "tube of boob lube"

   someone asked me to be a god parent...i think I would be more like a OMG parent

   go to all your friends status updates and type in... You spelled ANAL wrong.

   im happier than a puppy with 2 peters

   my gastro-intestinal Dr. was named Joe...he looked pissed when he came in the room and I sang ..G.I Joe...

   I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?