Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm doing the dance of joy. Which for me is walking to the fridge for another beer and walking back to my recliner. Oh joy!

   Here's the deal. I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

   swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.

   went to a bar thought I wouldnt see anybody I know cause I never go there, and there it is bunch of alcaholic I know.

   Take control and put her in the no fly zone before she puts you in the friend zone.

   You've really got to hand it to short people because they often can't reach it.

   Girls don't dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time

   In the South we don't pay no attention to that stupid ground hog. We go out and look at the bush hog, if there is frost on it, it's still cold... dammit.

   Here's your motivational speech... YOU SUCK. Change this.

   I left a note on my neighbors car asking him to stop parking in front of my house. I couldn't find any paper, so I used my car key instead.

   You know those times when you just can't think of anything good to write, so you just post some crap? KNOCK IT OFF!!!

   a p°nis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an a55hole, his bestfriend is a pu55y and his owner beats him!

   off is the general direction in which I wish you would f°°k!

   It's Ok to kiss a fool, it's ok to let a fool kiss you, but never let a kiss fool you

   You don't need training to be a garbage collector. You just pick it up as you go along.

   Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.

   Where's everyone at? I need other people ideas.

   Ok Mr Bum on the red light knocking on my window, there's a reason why I am pretending to text on my phone.

   Human nature is demonstrated perfectly by our eagerness to chant "Air ball!" in unison.

   You should never care what other people think of you. Unless you're a dude who wears sandals.