Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool. When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

   My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

   It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

   *neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car* you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

   They just left Jeffrey Toobin hanging there.

   Jeffrey Toobin said he was willing to lend a hand, with Thursdays debate.

   I'm naming my TV remote Joe for obvious reasons.

   Here's hoping that 2020 disappears quicker than a pizza at a pothead convention.🍷

   Orange Man bad? Let him who is without sin cast the first ballot.

   I hear someone screaming! That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store...

   I'm so old I forgot it was my birthday until I got the facebook reminder.

   I started taking Metamucil today in case you’re looking for a regular hero.

   Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

   I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

   Momma, I hid my milk! -A Parenting Horror Story

   Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

   My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

   80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

   I like my coffee like I like my men Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

   I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.