Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

   No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

   The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

   I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

   Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp? Me: 1970.

   My back has gone out more than I have this year.

   Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool. When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

   My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

   It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

   *neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car* you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

   They just left Jeffrey Toobin hanging there.

   Jeffrey Toobin said he was willing to lend a hand, with Thursdays debate.

   I'm naming my TV remote Joe for obvious reasons.

   Here's hoping that 2020 disappears quicker than a pizza at a pothead convention.🍷

   Orange Man bad? Let him who is without sin cast the first ballot.

   I hear someone screaming! That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store...

   I'm so old I forgot it was my birthday until I got the facebook reminder.

   I started taking Metamucil today in case you’re looking for a regular hero.

   Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

   I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.