Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Worried about social distancing when you're out? Dress up as a clown and make it other people's problem

   I can't get a break. I bought a can of evaporated milk, opened it up...it was full.

   When I was a kid we were so poor I had dandruff flakes for breakfast.

   It's a beautiful (alluring, dazzling, gorgeous, magnificent, pulchritudinous, radiant, resplendent, splendid, stunning) day in the neighborhood. - Mr. Roget's Thesaurus

   19 people died in Chicago this week from Covid-related gunshot wounds. They will be voting by mail.

   I prefer to take my quarantine recommendations from scientists, not the guy with 3 teeth and a beer-stained wife beater.

   Love when I take the time to type out a long text message to a friend and they reply with "K"

   . Looks like the FNC reporters drank some Folgers and finally woke up.

   I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

   I think it's hilarious that Gary Numan is older than Gary Oldman.

   Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain !!!👿 Wife: Well aren't you gonna say something ? Me : Not my turn to use the brain.😜

   I can't wait to back to my favorite bar and say "I'll take a Corona. Hold the Virus."

   It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. #GeorgeCarlin

   For one who thinks they're never wrong. I bet his school teachers found him to be a "real pleasure" to have him as one of their students.

   Volkswagen..Das auto is a piece of crap

   If it has yellow and black stripes, I run the other way, fast!

   Looking at people posts I think facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “What’s your problem today!?”

   Coworker: Good morning! Me: I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

   A gross miscalculation is 144 times worse than a regular miscalculation.

   Monday is Memorial Day. I plan on showing my grandsons how to eat corn on the cob typewriter style. The hard part is going to be explaining a typewriter. 🌽