Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm assuming everyone else also spent the whole day stockpiling downloaded porn to their computer too; just in case SOPA passes, right guys?

   I love American Idol. Except for the judges, the singers, and Ryan Seacrest.

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 8 or 9 times, just to be sure.

   My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

   I was thinkin,,,The obituaries section in the newspaper would be more interesting if they told you how the person died.

   My sofa loves playing hide n' seek with the remotes, clever ba$tard always wins too.

   to make American Idol Auditons worth watching, everytime Randy says "yo" take a shot ot your favorite liquor.

   I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…Yeah,,I probably don't need a receipt

   When alcohol does it's taxes it claims me as a dependant.

   "Lets talk about safe IPs. Let's talk about piracy. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things on your PC."

   I'm so old... I grew up in an era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games.

   I would play right field and scratch my balls every night for way less than 5 mil a year.

   Gee honey, I would have taken the trash out.. But I slipped and fell into the lifeboat..

   Sweetie, we cant afford to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D. How bout instead, we pop in the DVD at home and I'll throw clocks and candlesticks at you while you watch it.

   Just bought a dream house. Barbie wasn't able to pay the morgage. Sucks to be her!

   getting stoned and trying to load the dishwasher is like real life Tetris.

   I"VE HAD IT UP TO BEER WITH YOU!

   I'n flinnie and I ripoff Tim Siedell

   found out today that "too legit to give a sh*t" is not an appropriate answer to a judge's question "How do you plead?"

   Stop with the blank and blank that you idiot