Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A tip for you joggers out there: To run faster, make sure there is an attractive person in front of you at all times OR a creepy guy behind you.

   How to be a gangster: Step1- Buy XXL shirts and pants. Step2- Put them on. Step3- Waddle like a penguin.

   Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but I think they forgot to mention Morons.

   I bet if Tom Brady wore his UGGS Boots last night he probably would have played a lot better!

   I find it distressing that some folks' universe doesn't radiate beyond the highest hair on their heads.

   And this morning a container ship will depart for some third world country, loaded with New England Patriots Super Bowl XLVI Champions gear.

   Wow, that one was so bad, all four cats left the room.

   enjoy the Patriots shirts, Kenya

   No better way to kick off a Monday then to defend a sweet elderly women from a crabby ass "Douchebag", who clearu has no respect for the humankind!!!

   Thank god there wasn't a wardrobe malfunction at this year's Superbowl.

   Climbed aboard the dream weaver train.

   Instead of calling it a "Gatorade Shower" we should call it "Electrolyte Bukkake"

   Emergency call: "911, What is your emergency?" "Two girls are fighting over me!" "So what's the problem sir?" "The ugly one is winning..."

   I really hate being Bi-Polar. It's fantastic! ):)

   Seriously.. Shouldnt the etrade baby be like 7 by now?

   you know....right now I'm pretty disgusted with MIA....OH, not for giving America the finger....but because we were >this< close to forgetting her annoying ass ever existed....

   Do people that sell chairs give out stool samples?

   so....I think if you win The Voice, you should get to motorboat Christina Aguilera....but, to be fair, if you lose....you have to motorboat Cee Lo Green....

   Betty white to preform at next yrs Superbowl ...

   Everyone is the same color when the lights are off......