Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like E.L.O. Cause if you say it fast enough you sound like a fun dad answering the phone

   when it Snows everyone gives a bit of advice ... 'Don't eat yellow Snow' .... I would further advise to avoid eating BROWN SNOW.

   did you know....that if you set fire to LMFAO....they'll become ROTFLMAO?

   Shout out to all the females that are gonna be on their period on Valentines Day.

   Skinny Jeans: For guys who took "I got in her pants" the wrong way...

   I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my ex..... Box 360

   Congrats to Jack In The Box on their new bacon malt beverage...I'm guessing that one milkshake that WON'T bring "boys to the yard".

   Jack In The Box has unveiled it's new bacon milk shake...mmmm, kinda like adding brown gravy to a hot fudge sundae! :/

   Romania's entire government has a complete collapse today and the #1 item on the news is some has-been country singer getting popped for being drunk.

   The only way to watch and enjoy "The Big Lebowski" movie is to have the official Big Lebowski drink, The Caucasian, in ready supply and in hand through out the movie.

   "THIS, IS, SPARTA!" "Grandma, please stop kicking the dog down the stairs..."

   If the Pillsbury Doughboy goes outside on a really really hot day, does he turn into a biscuit??

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight.. I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   I never understood the point of checking into the gym?? Most of the time everyone can see if you workout. And if someone "likes" it, they probably think you're fat and are happy you're pretending to make a change.

   The only "b" word you should call a girl is beautiful. B**ches love to be called beautiful.

   Breaking News: Madonna just adopted Cee Lo

   I remember back in the day I used to kill myself getting to a ringing telephone... Now I don't even get up because the caller ID is on my TV...

   FB lesson number #1. If you don't want people to in your business, stop posting it on your status.

   Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . .  have fun

   found out the reason for our mild Winter....Someone removed the duct tape from Al Gores "pie hole!"