Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have Super-glue and a non-stick pan.....lets see who wins.

   Madonna said that there will be no wardrobe malfunctions at this years Super Bowl half time show...ummmm good.

   going to be eating chili from my supper bowl, during the super bowl.

   Three blondes walk into a bar.....you'd think one of them would have seen it.

   I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway.

   It bothers me that Jared from Subway has not yet been eaten by a grizzly bear.

   Just let me be a Hot Mess for One Hot Minute 'til I can find a new Hot Played-Out Idiom.

   If you never faked being the victim of a shark attack in the pool, then you didn't have a childhood.

   be careful when threat textin, jus told someone who owed me money I was gonna eat their ass if I didnt get it back

   You're so smart, you're probably turning the square in TETRIS

   If ever you get sad, think of a T-Rex trying to masturbate

   Superbowl - what my wife eats cereal out of every morning!

   Who needs a therapist when you have music!

   Small things amuse small minds.

   A woman without curves is like jeans without pockets. You just don't know where to put your hands.

   The dilemma with resisting temptation is that it may never be offered again.

   I need a lot of coffee to start the day and a lot of booze to end it.

   Get a “Head Start” on the day… Oral sex first thing in the morning!

   Texting angry....All CAPPS!!

   Marriage should have an expression date!