Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girl says "if you dont like what I post then dont read it or delete me", now I'm getting messages in my inbox from the girl not understanding why I deleted her.

   A team of researchers have concluded the "G-spot" doesn't exist. Obviously they were looking in the wrong place....

   I should probably press charges on myself after the shower I just took.

   My girl keeps her hair short so instead of holding back her hair when she pukes, I keep her boobs out of the way. I'm nice like that.

   A team of researchers has concluded that the "G-spot" doesn't exist. Thank God. Now I can just focus on finding my remote.

   Saw a Cougar wearing a Leopard coat, driving a Jaguar. It's a jungle out there.

   The only thing more ferocious than a T-Rex guarding a nest is the too-drunk-to-dance chick that was left behind to guard purses.

   I BUY all my cassettes at truck stops. Suck it SOPA

   Some dude at the store was giving me googly eyes. I didn't know whether to be flattered or offended. Then I realized that I accidently went out wearing my daughters Twilight t-shirt. Whoopsie!

   Apparently, the Pope says that condoms 'make things worse' in regards to the AIDS epidemic. The day I take sex advice from an 82-year-old virgin, is the same day I take parenting advice from Kate and Gerry McCann.

   If you can't say anything nice, say something vague on Facebook.

   saw two homeless people hitting eachother with cardboard boxes... pillow fight?

   New internet piracy laws are SOPAthetic

   Manicure might have the word "Man" in it, but if you get one, you're gay.

   If I really lived every day like it's my last, I would have diabetes and multiple STD's.

   "We have a history" = "we used to have sex"

   I'm so pissed Michael Jackson never had a chance to molest Justin Bieber.

   Please understand that my "May attend" response to your Facebook Event is my polite way of saying “Hell no”

   did anyone else notice that many passengers on the Concordia cruise ship said that it was like a scene out of the Titanic? I've been asking myself which 1 and now I've limited it down to 2 options-The steaming car scene and the nude portrait one. Must be!

   Poor decisions should be rated on a scale of 1 to Charlie Sheen.