Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have coughed so much this week I think I'm developing 6-pack abs.

   so....my wife is going to start an all-girl punk band....it'll be called Fistful of Midol....Yea, they'll only play for a week each month tho....

   so....my aunt doesn't want me using the word "fingerblast" in her husband's eulogy....what's next, I can't use "bloodfart" either?

   so....I just found a bottle of 5-Hour Energy in the gutter.....there was still 18 minutes of energy in it....just the boost I needed....

   I'm living proof that you should never give up hope. You may find this hard to believe, given my current level of sheer awesomeness, but I was once a pathetic loser like you. Be strong.

   If I sold underwear, they'd be pre-streaked for those poor dudes who feel embarrassed because they don't know how to wipe properly. My slogan? "We've got this s*** covered."

   ♥ ♥ ♥ Heartworms ♥ ♥ ♥ Not as cute as they sound.

   The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!".

   That "dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?"

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. I hope it's thinking about me too.

   Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.

   10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something.

   Unicorns are really just weaponized ponies.

   I can wake up at random intervals, crying and hungry too, so screw you babies.

   Had a long phone conversation with an old friend. He simply wouldn't shut up about phones. Finally had to just walk away.

   Tragedy. A hole has formed in the elbow of my favorite comfy shirt. Do I wait for Bono to call, or reach out to him directly?

   The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.

   It's like I'm always holding for the next available representative, but they never hold me back.

   There is nothing quite like the pang of disappointment you feel when you realize that you have pressed the wrong button on the vending machine as you stare at that damn granola bar instead of a hunny bun.