Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when people say " you need your beaut sleep" damn B**ch, you need to hibernate!

   Oh, the good old days before Facebook, when you didn't care whether anyone "liked" you or not.

   I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don't own an iPad.  Also, I'm out of vodka.

   I am attracted to those which I cannot have, and I am chased by those which I do not want.!

   The wife wants me to take her to one of those fancy resturants where they prepare your food right in front of you. Does anyone know if I need reservations for Waffle House?

   Pat Sajak was drunk at the wheel......

   Pat and Vanna were drunk at the wheel

   If you never jumped from one couch to the other to save yourself from the lava then you didn't have a childhood

   never teach your 4 year old that she is big enough to stop using "baby" words - we are now sitting down to watch Winne The Sh!t

   Commercials used to be funny. Now they're just like "hey stupid! Buy this!"

   When I think of you, I dont think of tomrow, I think of forever.

   The average doorknob has more cooties on it than 700,000,000 very dirty anuses.

   I don't smoke, but I think a cigarette holder is pretty classy. Or as I call it, a Slim Jim holder.

   After Pat Sajak confessed to being drunk during Wheel of Fortune, Bob Barker admitted he neutered animals during Price Is Right commercials.

   We live in a world where the police come faster if you prank call them then if you were to have a serious problem

   Some people say I'm too random for their liking. But who cares, bacon is amazing.

   It's 2012. How come some restaurants haven't figured out how to split checks? Nobody wants to take a math test after they eat.

   older woman, into vampire storys about minors, and it's all "I'm team blah blah"... but when "I" bring home a vampire porn and pop it in on movie night..... suddenly "I'm the sicko"????

   Dating a psyho woman is like dropping the soap in jail. You wish you never made that mistake in the first place!

   You can tell some girls are sluts because you can smell it through their Facebook photos.