Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year

   The Yankees reportedly traded AJ Burnett for 7 dirty used baseballs, a pack of big league chew, half eaten pack of sun flower seeds and Prince Fielders jock strap, the yankees made out like bandits.

   Just because you have tattoos all over your body doesn't mean you look buff with your shirt off..

   Fun Fact: Curly fries are made from Mr. Potato Head's pubes.

   I love a hot chick in a football jersey. Or a regular shirt. Or a dress. Or naked. Whatever

   It's funny how easily accidentally leaving just one vowel out of a status can make you sound like an Indian Chief from the movies. You know what mean?

   I had a near-life experience...I nearly quit Facebook.

   Hate when I'm having a great day and someone speaks to me.

   When I have to make a phone call and it goes to voicemail...I feel like I just won the lottery.

   The hotel is mad at me for getting a haircut in the jacuzzi. Sorry for trying to look nice at a Holiday Inn.

   Just sang every word of Adele's "Someone Like You" and all this girl said was "Do you understand why I pulled you over?" Rude.

   This whole "Cup half empty, Cup half full" argument should state what is IN the cup before people start judging!!

   being chased out by Barzini and the rest of the Five Families...

   fellas..... If your favorite Whitney Houston song is "im every woman" then there is something wrong....smh

   guess I should've left.."Guest appearance on Cops" off my resume

   looking for a kennel for the kids, our vacation is coming up

   If I had known then what I know now I probably would have had another drink.

   The story of “how I met your father” is shorter than “how I met your mother.

   Johnny Bravo would be so perfect for Jersey shore.

   If I had an Australian Accent I would never shut up