Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3955 of 6441

St. Valentine was actually beaten, stoned, and then eventually beheaded...they don't tell you that on the cards.
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02-14-2012 10:07 by Shellie
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To show you all how much I care...this Valentines's I've randomly scattered bouquets of flowers around local cemetaries for you to find...Happy Valentines Day!...
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02-14-2012 08:48
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"I used to love her, but I had to kill her" ~~ Guns & Roses celebrating Valentines alone, probably....
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02-14-2012 08:47 by Slickpony
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you know....I'm still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters....
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02-14-2012 08:46 by Slickpony
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you know...."Manuscript" is probably the classiest place to hide the word "anus"....
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02-14-2012 08:44 by Slickpony
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Just to be different, I'm going to cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentine's Day with explosives.

My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine's Day! So I got drunk...
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02-14-2012 08:32
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Taking my wife to see the Muppets tonight. I hope her mum cooks something I like this time
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02-14-2012 08:16 by NB
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My wife's going to be happy with tonight's planned tv. There's going to be balls moving all the screen. Champions League starts again tonight
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02-14-2012 07:59 by NB
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Its not the chocolate or the flowers, it's how you put a smile on my face that makes today all worthwhile
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02-14-2012 07:56
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Sorry V̶a̶l̶e̶n̶t̶i̶n̶e̶sD̶a̶y̶. It's Champions League Time!
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02-14-2012 07:44
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I'd like to spend my Valentine's with the girl of my dreams… But she's gone by the time I'm awake…
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02-14-2012 07:38 by XX-FOXY
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Oh I wanna dance with somebody I wanna feel the heat with somebody Yeah I wanna dance with somebody With some bipolar nut job that loves me!
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02-14-2012 07:17
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Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day!! <HATE
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02-14-2012 07:04 by Reznor
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When anyone says to me "I need to talk to you", every bad thing I've ever done in my life flashes before my eyes
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02-14-2012 05:32 by flinnie
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If I were a pharmaceutical company, I'd name my next drug "Magnifizac".
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02-14-2012 05:28 by flinnie
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Being rude to your waiter is the equivalent of saying, "Would you please spit in my food or perhaps do something worse?"
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02-14-2012 05:28 by flinnie
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It breaks my heart to break your heart but at the end of the day, mine is more important to me.
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02-14-2012 05:26
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"BLARGH...mmm, this looks good. nom nom nom...BLARGHH...hey, where'd this come from? yum!...BLARGHHH..." - my dog, throwing up
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02-14-2012 05:22 by flinnie
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Love pshhhh I rather fall in chocolate
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02-14-2012 05:16
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