Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If she asks you to be in an open relationship, tell her to walk out that open door. She's a slut.

   My dentist just said I'm getting a crown! I must have been a *super* good patient today.

   i guess the "forever lazy" suit is appropriately named since it looks like you were too lazy to care youre in public in your pajamas

   No one is happier that a fat and ugly b!tch chosen to be the assistant of the day on Dr Oz show.

   love the scoring system on storage wars..lets see...a broken tricycle, thats $200, used tupperware...$600......

   My buddy used to be a store clerk but he lost his job, so he set up a kiosk in the mall to vend for himself...

   this is getting outta hand. I wake up, turn my TV to the Playboy Channel, and even 'THEY'RE' talking about Jeremy Lin. WTF???

   The new weight loss plan from Apple makes me feel stupid. Anyone else feel this way with iDiot?

   I just realized, Caps Lock trying to shift and I can't see an end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape, I don't even have a home and why anymore...Definitely time for a new keyboard.

   What's faker than 2 women meeting for the first time?

   National back to being miserable couples day

   I feel like Eminem right now. Not because I'm rapping but because I have vomit on my sweater already...moms spaghetti

   I had a pet hamster, my idiot brother put a sweater over it and next thing I know, Bam!!! dammm hamster is making millions and rap videos for KIA in my old hoodie!!! Can you imagine what this dog and cat are thinking.....

   I hate the expression "Is it just me or...." Of course it's just you or I'd have said it as well

   I hope the one night stand was worth the free trip to TGI Friday's and the box of Whitman's Chocolates.

   My wife just shouted from another room "can you come to the phone" I shouted back "what sort of distance are we talking"

   to the person copying and rewording jokes from sickipedia dot org your not making them anymore funny

   I'm obsessed with the tv show "Hoarders". I have 12 episodes on my DVR that I already watched, but I won't delete.

   Advertisers: you can stop using "it will change your life" as a selling point. Cocaine, unemployment, and AIDS will also change your life.

   THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I'm out of beer.