Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment of epic sadness when you shut down the computer and then you realize that you need it again.

   Saw a field of baby antelopes hatch from their cantaloupes last night, So magical........

   Heads up Army Corps of Engineers: I just introduced something to the sewer system you may be dealing with shortly.

   After just 3 min. of reading a MAXIM in a waiting room, I grew a thick goatee & told a nurse to "Make me a damn sandwich."

   That moment when you leave your facebook up around your friends when you get a msg, friend request, and a few notifications to make it look like your popular

   Last night my wife and I had a dinner party. About Halfway through it, I decided to walk the dog. My wife went mental and told me to grow up and stop doing tricks with my yoyo.

   Bi$ch please, I can wipe 90 percent of you're so called "BEAUTY" off with a freaking towel!

   If your wife totally let's herself go and looks nothing like when you dated her, you should be allowed to divorce her.

   Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.

   6 reasons to masturbate: Saves time, saves money, reduces stress, cures headaches, hurts nobody, & pisses off the Pope.

   White folks are so comfortable with rap music nowadays that we gonn start seein' fanny packs that say "Thug Life".

   Dear wifey; Just because I'm laughing while I'm reading a text message, does not automatically mean I'm flirting with someone. Your forever-innocent hubby.

   ESPN would explode if Jeremy Lin wore a Yankee uniform and dunked on LeBron in front of Brett Favre and then Tebowed

   just listed all my facebook friends as beneficiaries...if I die today, you're all gonna clear a cool .37 cents...oh yea

   GRAMMAR: The difference between knowing YOUR sh!t and knowing YOU'RE sh!t.

   Nothing says "I'm carrying $3 and a Guitar Center receipt" like a wallet chain.

   Slut is such an ugly word. How about "dong bandit"?

   new project runway tonight, I think i'll settle in with a big flaming cup of gay and watch it

   my car has hair growing out of the tires, is that ok??

   Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed....