Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite beer? A cold and full one.

   forgot to put the seat belt on my 8-year-old boy this morning. "You are an irresponsible father!" Someone shouted "Who said that? I shouted. "Stop the car, son."

   My wife is always walking into things and getting hurt. Yesterday it was our bedroom while I was shagging her sister.

   My girlfriend answered my booty call last night. God knows what she was doing with her sister's phone.

   People who constantly think their spouse is always cheating on them..Should just stay single and miserable forever.

   Sad news - I helped organise my boss's funeral this week, but apparently he has to be 'dead' before it can go ahead.

   Milk that says ‘98% fat free' should just come out and say, ‘Water with 2% milk'

   The most useless advice in the world: "CHILL OUT"

   I'm so hungry I could eat something healthy.

   thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again

   Feeling stressed about something? Ask yourself, “Will this really matter after I've had a few drinks?”

   cut through an adult gift store parking lot to avoid a traffic light, my neighbor only saw me pulling out with my mother. :/

   You young and ignorant boys can keep your virgins; give me hot old women in high heels with a$$es that forgot to get old.

   Ladies: Can we have more head and less headaches please!!

   remember, it is not a lie if you believe it!

   A snake bit me today and my neighbour's wife was kind enough to suck the venom out. Or at least that's what I told my wife when she walked in on us.

   That uneasy moment when you realize the garbage goes out more than you.

   Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy

   I don't wear a watch. I DECIDE what time it is.

   I haven't been laid in such a long time that my virginity is beginning to grow back.