Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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before I pee in a public washroom, I try to erect just incase the dude beside me looks over so he will know never to look over again 
you can keep America beautiful with 2 simple words...jenny craig
Today is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-A$$ Friday.
HEIGHT OF INNOCENCE: Girl applying medicine to her nipples thinking they are pimples.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.
Why do they keep records of people who died due to alcohol, but not the records of people who were born thanks to it?
Sex: It might be good exercise, but that's not why we do it!
Drunkenness neither keeps a secret, nor observes a promise.
has found that when my son says "the other day", it can mean any time up to a year ago.
Just changed my FB to "in a relationship with vodka which gets complicated after downing shots of tequila
I've decided to nickname my fridge 'Facebook'. Because even if I know there's nothing there, I still check it every time I go into the room.
The only time I wear a suit is for sad occasions, like weddings and funerals.
Most people hide their sexual demons; I harness mine and take them out for a ride.
What's dangerous and eats nuts? Syphilis.
I'm getting physical therapy for my back. I bet Spider-Man never has to get physical therapy for his back. I hate not being Spider-Man. :(
"What's the point of winning all these golden covered Grammys if there isn't chocolate in the middle?" - Adele
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
jus submitted my mo ped for a pimp my ride episode..tassles on my handlebars would be AWESOME
For Mardi Gras i'm giving up beads.
APPY MARDI GRAS! May your every slice of King cake have a little bitty baby in it, may your good times roll and may your parade be never ending. Now where are my beads??? 