Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinks womens heads, as the hardest thing known to man, should be studied, to make new bullet proof vest and armor for our tropps.

   When life sucks I sit back and enjoy the head

   Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby.

   Neat thing about being Tom Cruise is if he misses a workout he can just crawl inside a friend's mouth and use his uvula as a punching bag.

   Ladies, I have some really fantastic pictures of beads.

   Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.

   Sum ppl need to be pistol whipped. . .with a grenade launcher.

   Got checked out by cute girl...Total was $13.92

   In honor of my childhood idol, Whitney Houston, who has been sober for 10 days now, I am giving up beer for Lent. She is a true inspiration and a hero...

   Went for a horse ride today...horse wouldn't stop, just kept going out of control...luckily the store clerk unplugged it before I fell off!

   Where are my beads?? I guess I'm only giving "Pearl Necklaces" this year!!

   In celebration of "Fat Tuesday", I only plan to party on days that start with "T" from now on......Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday! ツ

   it too much to ask that the ATM spit out an extra $20 every now and again?

   I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". She said "That's a mirror".

   Everyone is perfectly normal until they stumble upon Facebook or Twitter.

   today is fat tuesday....basically lets women feel okay about themselves and their fupa:D

   before I pee in a public washroom, I try to erect just incase the dude beside me looks over so he will know never to look over again

   you can keep America beautiful with 2 simple words...jenny craig

   Today is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-A$$ Friday.

   HEIGHT OF INNOCENCE: Girl applying medicine to her nipples thinking they are pimples.