Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just watched Jersey Shore for 5 minutes and now I realize why we have to do things like write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

   Does anybody know where I could find out how much a footlong costs at Subway?

   Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin....and muffins are healthy. Your welcome.

   Adam Sandler looks like Don Flamingo from Mike Tysons Punchout.

   Everything seems to be louder, when you dont want anybody to wake up

   women stop complaining about wearing heels that hurt and man up!!

   I don't mind it when people let their minds go blank. I just wish they would log off Facebook when it happens.

   I'm going to lock in my Super Bowl prediction right now. I predict Madonna will be f*cking terrible.

   I don't always drink milk, but when I do I prefer dos chichis

   Today, I was using a restroom when I heard someone sneeze. I said, "Bless you." It happened again about three times, so I repeated myself each time. I then noticed it was an automatic air freshener.

   Went to a different bar thinking I wouldn't see anyone I knew and have a quiet drink. Everybody from my AA meeting was there.

   I once went on a date with a homeless girl... the only good thing about it was when the date was over I could just drop her off anywhere.

   I need some quiet, alone time to comtemplate for a while. If you need me I'll be on MySpace.

   TWILIGHT - An epic saga about a young woman's struggle to choose between Necrophilia and Bestiality

   i would have been a rockstar already if I could speak fluent eletric guitar like peter frampton

   "Are you athletic?" .. "Yeah I surf.....the internet"

   Friend tellin me " Bro I wasn`t that drunk…." Me: “Dude you destroyed my gf's garden at 4:00AM while shouting and screaming "F**k Farmville!"

   Mom: What does “WTF” stand for? Child: "Well That`s Fantastic!"

   My arm fell asleep again. Time to draw a mustache on it.

   Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.