Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Volvos are one of the safest vehicles on the road. Thats why I got my wife a Ford Explorer.

   Its funny how when I feel my phone vibrate I'll get up to read the text but when my alarm clock goes off in the morning I push snooze like 12 times.

   Chuck E. Cheese is just a casino for little kids.

   I'm guessing the opposite of Christopher Reeves is Christopher Walken

   Typos are like pregnancies... miss a period and it changes everything.

   I'm so gangsta that you change the channels with the remote sideways!

   You don't have to own a horse to know what not to put in it!

   B.I.B.L.E = BASIC INSTUCTIONS BEFORE LEAVING EARTH!

   am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call,text,facebook or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you

   roses are red, violets are blue...valentine's crap is over now don't you have some ironing to do?

   X says woman pay thousands to grow their boobs [not jobs!]...I just eat lots of candy and let nature take its course!

   Etc. – used to make people think you know more about a subject than you actually do!

   I'm giving up Religion for lent...

   I wish I was half the man my dog thought I was!!!

   don't smoke, jus take some new prescriptions that can kill you instantly

   just stepped in a huge pile of dog sh!t...smelled so bad, I just left my shoe in it and walked home in my sock

   I'm giving up silly, medieval superstitions for lent.

   I wish the oil companies would give up "ridiculous price gouging" for lent...

   If I can`t easily reach what I dropped…I begin to justify why I don`t need it.

   One thing that all us white guys from the suburbs can agree on is if a black guy has a British accent, we're 85% less scared of him