Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3932 of 6446

Got checked out by cute girl...Total was $13.92
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02-21-2012 15:47
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In honor of my childhood idol, Whitney Houston, who has been sober for 10 days now, I am giving up beer for Lent. She is a true inspiration and a hero...
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02-21-2012 14:51 by T-Dubb
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Went for a horse ride today...horse wouldn't stop, just kept going out of control...luckily the store clerk unplugged it before I fell off!
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02-21-2012 14:35
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Where are my beads?? I guess I'm only giving "Pearl Necklaces" this year!!
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02-21-2012 14:33
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In celebration of "Fat Tuesday", I only plan to party on days that start with "T" from now on......Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday! ツ

it too much to ask that the ATM spit out an extra $20 every now and again?
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02-21-2012 14:16
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I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". She said "That's a mirror".
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02-21-2012 14:06
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Everyone is perfectly normal until they stumble upon Facebook or Twitter.

today is fat tuesday....basically lets women feel okay about themselves and their fupa:D
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02-21-2012 13:46
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before I pee in a public washroom, I try to erect just incase the dude beside me looks over so he will know never to look over again
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02-21-2012 13:46
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you can keep America beautiful with 2 simple words...jenny craig
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02-21-2012 13:14
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Today is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-A$$ Friday.

HEIGHT OF INNOCENCE: Girl applying medicine to her nipples thinking they are pimples.
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02-21-2012 12:52
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When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.
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02-21-2012 12:46 by Maureen
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Why do they keep records of people who died due to alcohol, but not the records of people who were born thanks to it?
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02-21-2012 12:45 by Czovczov
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Sex: It might be good exercise, but that's not why we do it!
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02-21-2012 12:44
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Drunkenness neither keeps a secret, nor observes a promise.
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02-21-2012 12:39
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has found that when my son says "the other day", it can mean any time up to a year ago.
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02-21-2012 12:37 by Maureen
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Just changed my FB to "in a relationship with vodka which gets complicated after downing shots of tequila
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02-21-2012 12:36
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I've decided to nickname my fridge 'Facebook'. Because even if I know there's nothing there, I still check it every time I go into the room.
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02-21-2012 12:35 by Czovczov
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