Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The fact that I just swerved to avoid hitting a deer with my car tells me that it's finally time to make it illegal for deer to text.

   I have a date tonight...with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together.

   A: I forgot my glasses, I can't read sh*t! B: You're not supposed to read sh*t, you're supposed to read books… Unless you're a Twilight fan. Then you read sh*t!

   How to tell if a girl is right for you? Text her and say: “Hey I lost my cell phone… Can you call it???” If she calls, move on…

   I can't believe no one likes my show idea about a bunch of undead bathroom remodelers called “The Caulking Dead”.

   It sucks at first when squirrels get into your house but then it turns out they're pretty fun to watch TV with.

   Why are the other countries celebrating our presidents day by dancing, pointing and laughing?

   If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.

   Are you cranky when you wake up? You might be suffering from Early Morning Fatigue Disorder, or EMFD.

   We should have a "Homeless" Day....celebrated with sales of anything in a large cardboard box and maddog

   Wonders who first decided that female genitalia resembled a beaver? Was there a flat flapping tail? Teeth?

   Fun Fact of The Day: Barbies get fat too, if you microwave them

   Starting a 'like' petition.....who would prefer Cheez Its would use the 'immature' cheese

   just stopped a leaky pipe with Silly putty...who's Silly now?

   In case anyone is wondering, it's 72 degrees and partly cloudy in India today. The only reason I know this is because I just had a pleasant conversation with a Customer Service rep from Bank of America....

   Presidents Day: A day when America celebrates when they actually had presidents worth celebrating.

   The chinese police sketch artists can prob only draw one face...lets see, round face, slanted eyes, flat nose and black hair.....ok, is this the man?....YES!!!

   I always collect hair from hairbrushes at party...that way, IF I decide to commit a crime, they'll think it was 23 different people, not me

   just found a Adam Sandler for President FB pg... has there ever been a thought that hasnt been made into a page or group?

   I think our Presidents should have to wear powdered wigs...great visual