Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.

   So "Linsanity" no longer refers to Lindsay Lohan but Jeremy Lin? What if they start dating, what then? The Adventures of LinLin?

   If all this phony enthusiasm persists, there will be severe exclamation point shortages by 2028.

   You would have thought that the Mexican Mafia would have done something about Taco Bell by now.

   There's a special place in hell for murderers and the guy who decided what time breakfast ends at McDonalds.

   I'm beginning to have serious doubts that anyone ever called Steve Miller "the space cowboy."

   I don't like war either but let's all admit that peace has way fewer cool explosions.

   Somebody needs to invent a way to punch another person in the throat via Internet.

   When you go Black you never go back. Black Coffee that is.

   Here's my gym schedule. Monday, cardio. Tuesday, weights. Wednesday, 7 mile bike ride. Thursday, 15 year break. Repeat.

   ■Does anyone else realize that in about 40 years, we'll have a million of old ladies shuffling around with tattoos?........ ( all I can say is ,,Ha,Ha,! )

   Gotta lay off watching so many conspiracy documentary's......convinced myself the Dawg had the ability to read my mind, staring at me for like half an hour....turns out its water bowl was empty!

   I was not picking my nose! I just had a really deep itch

   I wish liquor stores were like my ex girlfriend, open 24/7 and really cheap *rj*

   Rihanna and Chris Brown recorded a duet together......i think its a cover of Britney's, "Hit me baby one more time"

   Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : "In other news Brian's ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless b!tch. Details at 11".

   If you ever had two phone lines in the 90s, one just for the internet, then you might still be addicted to the internet.

   <~~When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home..I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row just to mess with people as they walk in ;)

   Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same damn mistakes.

   We live on a world where smart people are called nerds and social outcast, and stupid people are the cool ones. And they get all the damn hot chicks.