Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone else have the same thought that I did the first time they discovered ma$turbation? "Damn. I don't think I'll EVER leave the house again."

   Monotony is my favorite bored game.

   If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.

   I'm getting really sick of people not referring to my work as "unparalleled."

   Accidentally picked out soothing paint colors and now my panic room is ruined.

   America leads the world in reality shows about what female reality show stars do after their reality shows end.

   I dont tell god how big my problems are, I tell my problems how big my god is

   Trust is like an eraser. It gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.

   A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. All you do is play games...

   Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.

   The difference between a smart man and a wise man is that a smart man knows what to say, a wise man knows whether or not to say it...

   Never reject anybody in your life, because good people give us happiness and bad people give us experience. Both are essential in life!

   A lot of problems would disappear if people talked to each other more than talking about each other.

   I like E.L.O. Cause if you say it fast enough you sound like a fun dad answering the phone

   when it Snows everyone gives a bit of advice ... 'Don't eat yellow Snow' .... I would further advise to avoid eating BROWN SNOW.

   did you know....that if you set fire to LMFAO....they'll become ROTFLMAO?

   Shout out to all the females that are gonna be on their period on Valentines Day.

   Skinny Jeans: For guys who took "I got in her pants" the wrong way...

   I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my ex..... Box 360

   Congrats to Jack In The Box on their new bacon malt beverage...I'm guessing that one milkshake that WON'T bring "boys to the yard".