Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever notice that when you post something on a particular subject, facebook puts up advertising pertaining to it.........hemorrhoids, gonorrhea, g-string, sex change.....let's see what advertisement they have for those things.

   having some beef tongue tacos. its like french kissing a cow... Yum!!

   woman, get in that kitchen and cook me a turkey pot pie!!

   So what does it mean if I open a fortune cookie and there is no fortune in it? your thoughts please.

   Note to self: sex with inflatable doll not as good as advertised.

   stomach making weird noises... must be making poop

   "Heads, shoulders, knees and toes..." - Jeffrey Dahmer's grocery list

   Something is definitely up at this police station, the cops are f$cking everywhere.

   If you guys ever visit NASA don't go on the Sally Ride.

   Does it still count as a hit and run if I hit a Ford Fiesta?

   "I could go for some yogurt!" - no man ever

   My favorite way to piss a girl off is to keep accidentally calling her Nicole.

   No, I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that....

   Beer is now cheaper than GAS! Drink don't Drive...

   funny how the smell of a fart can remind you of the meals you've consumed for the day

   So I gave up bungee jumping for lent for the 6th year in a row. I've never gone... but I think I'd like to at some point in my life. Just can't do it right now. True story...

   I only take half a vitamin because I haven't decided if I wanna live forever.

   was just asked by his mum to stop saying "I'm hungry" and to find something new to say fo once. So I said "OK...I'm horny for food!"

   Handles on a matress come in really handy, not only to flip your matress. big smile

   if you ask me my sign so you can see if we're compatible or not, I'll save you the suspense... we're not.