Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks that If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi

   When my kids piss me off, I show them a picture of Rosie O'Donnell and tell them that's their real dad.

   I let my dog drink out of the toilet & then lick me on the mouth because it's easier than eating Activia.

   Girls.. If you want him to treat you like a queen, first you have to treat him like a king...

   The phone rang & I tried to answer the stapler..Yup its friday..chug chug

   WHAT DO WE WANT..?..WHEN DO WE WANT IT..? We don't know.!! -Women's protest rally.

   I watched this Chinese guy Jeremy Lin play on MSG last night, but 30 minutes after the game it was like I hadn't even watched basketball and I was in the mood to watch another game...

   Lesbianism is proof that size doesn't matter!!

   Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!

   It's extremely frustrating when you spell a word so incorrectly that even spell check isn't able to help you out.

   When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

   I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker's crotch. If she flinches, I know it's a dude.

   All relationships go through sh!t. Real relationships get through sh!t.

   everyone knows that 1 person who never laughs...i'm drawn to them like a moth to a flame, jus to make their lives a living hell

   its friday I smell vodka

   Suicide Bomber Training: "Pay attention because I'm only going to show you this once..."

   They say the world is going to end this year. C'mon now, these fools can barely predict the weather.

   If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes

   Facebook needs a "Wow that's the dumbest GOD DAMN thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat" button.

   When I'm bored, I send a text to a random number saying "I hid the body in the sewer"