Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   understands the concept of housework, but has difficulty grasping how it applies to me!

   @_theguy_: Cherries, lemons, limes and olives? This bar has the worst salad bar ever!

   My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

   I wish I had a twin so I could have every other day off of work.

   Its original title was "Everybody Loves Raymond, except Neil Daughtery, the convenience store clerk He Stabbed in 1982."

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.

   The three most read words in the world: I̶ ̶L̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶Y̶o̶u̶ …NO! It's: “Made in China.”

   I'm still waiting for the day that I will actually use x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 in real life

   I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today when I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.

   If video games make you violent, does monopoly make you a millionaire?

   I think the best way to prove to an ex that you don't think about them anymore is to write and produce a song saying so.

   I want to be a stay at home dad... minus the kids.

   Every man should have a bar where everybody knows your beer.

   It's 11:50 pm; do you know where your pants are?

   Never trust a fat chick who doesn't wear her real size, she can't even be honest with herself.

   Getting in an argument with women is like being arrested because anything you say can and will be used against you.

   When a midget smokes weed does he get high? Or medium?

   Why do we need algebra? ... Finding X is only useful if you're a pirate

   I never bought you flowers, because I can't figure out what they mean.

   My neighbor is watching porn...on his 72 flat screen..I can see it from 300 yards away!