Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want a reinvented baby time machine...where can I buy one?

   hey, lets take a picture of our f#kin dinner and put it on facebook so the whole world can not give a sh!t

   pics of food?? really.. ??? facebook or menubook

   If you buy clothes that everyone is buying, your trying way to hard to fit in and be cool.. Buy stuff that you think is cool, if you follow trends your a f*****g poser!

   Louis Vuitton's selling $68 condoms? Fine by me. Anyone idiotic enough to spend that much money on a condom probably shouldn't breed.

   Dear ex, you remind me of my dirty laundry because I didn't like doing you.

   When people with lisps say "Bithneth"......you KNOW they mean business.

   Breaking news: Gary Glitter has applied for the England manager's job after hearing that two of the players are Young and Bent.....

   Valentine's Day: Dinner for two - $80, Dessert - $20, Flowers - $50, Gold Necklace - $250, Bottle of French Champagne - $100, Godiva Strawberry Chocolates - $60… Look on his face after she says - “I'm on a period…” PRICELESS!!!

   "never on schedule, but always on time." via Retro Status Generator

   "I`M BATMAN" -Batman

   Most females think they can change a player, but the truth is it's not the player that needs to change, its the girl, because every player is on a mission to find that one female which makes him lose his desire to play.

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   I think these cold pills are just making the snot mad.

   This Unicorn soup is freaking delicious! ~~ Noah, probably

   so....unfortunately....I put the "tiny" in "Is it in yet?" :(

   Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

   auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.........

   2 entirely different phrases; each have 3 words and 8 letters: “I Love You!” vs. “Go To Hell!”

   I shot the parrot. But I did not kill the parakeet..