Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't put your card into someone's SD slot without protection. They could have a virus.

   Spent 15 damn minutes looking for my phone in the car last night while using my phone asa a light, yup that high..

   I thought Billy Crystal was a type of meth.. #Oscars

   Other than Superman and the homeless has anyone used a phone booth in the last 10 years?

   Tonight marks the 84th Anniversary of me not giving a f*ck.... Besides Grandma, who watches this crap?

   From the moment I opened my eyes I"ve thought of you. Just thinking of the moment I can hold you in my arms. Pull you next to me and press my lips to you. You warm my heart and calm me down. You make me smile and complete my life. Oh morning coffee, "i LO

   went to an all you can eat restaraunt...I've been here 12 hrs...fixin to start breakfast all over again

   Please give my compliments to the Chef......Boyardee

   My boss at the construction site said if I wear my forever lazy suit one more time I'm fired

   got some pajama jeans..my wife said they make my ass look big.

   They had a bunch of new cars in the mall today, I didnt buy it, but its was one hell of a test drive

   went to a storage war, kept sayin yuuuuuup, hope they take monopoly money

   usually I take asprin, but for a hangover...its ass-prin

   NASCAR, NBA All Star Game AND The Oscars...Thank G0D there's the Cartoon Network.

   I can't remember the last time I had amnesia this bad.

   iPHONE(noun}: A device used for everything but calling people.

   Wow these ranch flavored mini rice cakes really taste like I could have saved $2.49 by just dipping those styrofoam packaging peanuts in ranch dressing.....

   I had a dream I was checking out my ass in a mirror and it was looking good.

   New FB Idea...a Middle finger button! Who's with me?...

   Think I will wear my new underwear tonight... Yesssssss!!