Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Roses are red, Grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my weiner!

   New Trojan add: When you want the meat but not the gravy.

   A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.

   In order to raise my performance at work I've decided to lower the companies standards.

   I only eat local... that's why I never go down on girls that are just visiting town.

   If women want equal rights, they can start putting the toilet seat down themselves.

   I like my coffee so dark it gets beaten up by the police.

   Muggers are gay. I mean how does a grown ass man want my purse?

   I don't care if I'm buried or cremated, as long as I never die.

   I still make the "Jerk~off" motion when someone is talking WAY too long & looks away from me!

   A guy walks into a bar with a toad on his head. The bartender says, "Jesus fella, what happened to you?" The toad says, "It all started with a wart on the ass!"

   A black guy with a parrot on his shoudler walks into a bar. So they go to the bar to order a drink and the bartender goes 'hey thats cool where did you get one of those?' So the parrot goes 'oh there's millions of them in Africa.'

   Well now I'm screwed... everyone always tells me once you go black you never go back, but I left my keys in her apartment.

   I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?

   one good thing about snow is it covers up the dog poo so your lawn look as good as your neighbors

   Ghetto word of the day: Detest. Usage: That ho be trippin. I aint her baby daddy! I gotta go take detest on Maury!

   you know....it's been almost two months since Christmas.....I should probably stop ceaselessly referring to my p*nis as the "Pole-her Express"....

   If someone throws Skittles at you and yells "taste the rainbow" run them over with your car and yell "Nationwide is on your side!"

   you know....it seems Assholism runs in my family....

   Making a new facebook will not get you more messages.