Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people cry when they cut onions. I try not to form an emotional bond.

   When ever I eat out at McDonald's, I like to have a Happy Meal... So I leave the wife and kids at home.

   there's something about the people on Doomsday Planners that makes me think they're serious

   Girl look at that body, I work out! Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle...

   Do you know any jokes about sodium? Na

   sickipedia dot org, is the best, and most of the status here are stolen from there

   You paint a pretty picture, too bad it's color by number

   There is no such thing as a man being Inappropriately touched by a female !

   In light of inflation....... the rapper "Fifty-Cent" has now changed his name to "Buck Fifty"

   In light of the higher gas prices, the rapper "Fifty-Cent" will now be known as 1/16th of a Gallon. That is all...

   So Chris Brown is starting a new US tour. First he's going to hit Savannah, then Charlotte and then Madison. And then and only after he's hit all three will he start touring

   B: "I'm so mad at you." Me: "Why? I've only been awake 15 seconds." B: "A girl in my dream was flirting with you!" Me: "I'm sorry that a fictional girl flirted with me. Was she blonde? I like blondes." B: "You should give up talking for lent."

   If 40 is the new 20, does that mean 20 is the new 10, and if so, do I need to delete these photos off my phone?

   If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

   Right about now, Billy Crystal is waking up totally nude in a huge champagne glass somewhere.

   Today's the 5th anniversary of my joining Facebook . Also the 5th anniversary of the last time I spoke to my family or read a book..

   Hold up Biatch (┌'-')┌︻╦̵̵͇̿̿̿̿╤── \(‾- ‾\) where is my mutha fucckin sauce for my Mc. Nuggets!

   In other news, we don't give a damn Dave!

   Shoutout 2 all the dark skinned girls with the cheetah print tattoo that looks like a 2nd degree burn.

   My room isn't dirty, I just have everything on display like a museum.