Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when you think you have one last piece of jerky left in the bag and it ends up being the silicone freshness packet!!

   its not my fault i'm fat, i've been in a fitness protection program

   I never understood what liking large asses had to do with being fallacious, but who am I to question the genius of a knighted rapper.

   I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

   I've just been informed by a porn site that "8 hot nymphos in my area are dying to meet me." I'm understandably stoked.

   If it wasn't for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.

   Dear cast of The Simpsons, Why is it that the asian characters are white and the white characters are yellow? Sincerely, confused.

   Don't tell me about how you "dressed up" your baby for a special occasion. If you're wearing something you can sh!t in you aren't dressed up.

   My greatest contribution to most situations is just not making it worse.

   So "Linsanity" no longer refers to Lindsay Lohan but Jeremy Lin? What if they start dating, what then? The Adventures of LinLin?

   If all this phony enthusiasm persists, there will be severe exclamation point shortages by 2028.

   You would have thought that the Mexican Mafia would have done something about Taco Bell by now.

   There's a special place in hell for murderers and the guy who decided what time breakfast ends at McDonalds.

   I'm beginning to have serious doubts that anyone ever called Steve Miller "the space cowboy."

   I don't like war either but let's all admit that peace has way fewer cool explosions.

   Somebody needs to invent a way to punch another person in the throat via Internet.

   When you go Black you never go back. Black Coffee that is.

   Here's my gym schedule. Monday, cardio. Tuesday, weights. Wednesday, 7 mile bike ride. Thursday, 15 year break. Repeat.

   ■Does anyone else realize that in about 40 years, we'll have a million of old ladies shuffling around with tattoos?........ ( all I can say is ,,Ha,Ha,! )

   Gotta lay off watching so many conspiracy documentary's......convinced myself the Dawg had the ability to read my mind, staring at me for like half an hour....turns out its water bowl was empty!