Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone have a llama guy? I need a llama. I'll explain later

   If you bite the inside of your mouth by accident, you should be allowed to fire a shotgun at an old bus till you feel better.

   “Fine, sure, go ahead. Weird, but I like it.” (God greenlighting the duck-billed platypus)

   Roundabouts and retarded people are like round holes and square pegs, you can force them together, but it isn't going to be pretty.

   Auto correct is my worst enema.

   Some people are like pennies. Two-Faced And Worthless.

   This is not fair!" - Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.

   Auditions are being held for you to be yourself. Apply within.

   My girlfriend smokes when we have sex..but we use lube now..

   Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl's stomach full for 9 months

   Since I cant afford the gas to go on vacation anytime soon, I'm gonna drink until I dont know where I am!

   Don't let the bad weather get you down. It's not the end of the world. That's not for another 10 months.

   "I want you to tongue punch your fart box" ~~ my worst pick-up line ever, probably....

   When I was in kindergarten my teacher told me to sit indian style. So I bought a bottle of cheap whiskey and laid in the gutter.

   OK, I'm getting out of bed in 10 seconds. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,9,9,9,9,9

   Lazy rule #35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.

   at the beginning of spongebob the captain guy says "i cant hear you"...the Verizon guy keeps saying "can you hear me now?"....i wonder if the 2 are on the phone together

   there any slight chance to spend a night out without getting the brute hangoverin the morning?!- sign a dieing man

   I wish the Apostles had been Cowboys instead of fishermen. I would really like a steak or burger today.

   once you go black, you go single parent!