Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This bitc$ got a million dollar body and a food stamp face.

   My Cousin in Jail just asked me to update his Facebook Relationship Status to "Its Complicated!" ...Man just say you Gay!

   J think Head and Shoulders was on the top of Jeffery Dahmers grocery list

   Why don't Mexico have an Olympic team this year? Because all those who can run, jump and swim are in America!!

   Gotta love Facebook. I can update my status, post pictures and even chat with numerous people.....and nobody knows I'm not wearing any pants.

   I don't see why everybody wants a white iPhone. Everyone knows the black one runs faster.

   Penguins can't fly, I can't fly. Therefore, I am a penguin.

   A 90 year old cashier in the speedy checkout lane.... Good move Walmart.

   Some people cry when they cut onions. I try not to form an emotional bond.

   When ever I eat out at McDonald's, I like to have a Happy Meal... So I leave the wife and kids at home.

   there's something about the people on Doomsday Planners that makes me think they're serious

   Girl look at that body, I work out! Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle...

   Do you know any jokes about sodium? Na

   sickipedia dot org, is the best, and most of the status here are stolen from there

   You paint a pretty picture, too bad it's color by number

   There is no such thing as a man being Inappropriately touched by a female !

   In light of inflation....... the rapper "Fifty-Cent" has now changed his name to "Buck Fifty"

   In light of the higher gas prices, the rapper "Fifty-Cent" will now be known as 1/16th of a Gallon. That is all...

   So Chris Brown is starting a new US tour. First he's going to hit Savannah, then Charlotte and then Madison. And then and only after he's hit all three will he start touring

   B: "I'm so mad at you." Me: "Why? I've only been awake 15 seconds." B: "A girl in my dream was flirting with you!" Me: "I'm sorry that a fictional girl flirted with me. Was she blonde? I like blondes." B: "You should give up talking for lent."