Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor is watching porn...on his 72 flat screen..I can see it from 300 yards away!

   Agnostic: a lazy Atheist, someone who can't make up his freakin mind. :)

   likes to slide the popcorn around the bottom of the bowl and dredge up the butter!

   While I do plan on checking out Malcom X for Black History Month, I am having a real hard time finding Volumes I-IX first.

   It's official, I'm not gonna remember unless there's a Facebook event for it...

   who was the idiot who made umbrella handles out of metal? it is like making a shark bite suit out of meat..

   I was going to upload a photo of my biceps but I don't have a wide angle lens

   cleaning out his closet, I mean my loser friends that have real lives and never like my status!

   I guess my other 510 friends have real lives!

   Danica Patrick is on the pole, is the best thing I've heard about NASCAR Nationwide Series Ever!

   I just saved a ton of jail time by switching to Chris Brown!

   going to upload a cat picture, but I don't like them!

   Throwing ice at people who need to chill the fu@k out.

   Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.

   Always be yourself, unless you can be a penguin. Then always be a penguin.

   My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked me what was I doing...apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't the right answer.

   I wasnt that drunk man. Dude you asked a bum if you could bum a cig.

   Why can't Danzig have a normal lunch box like every other kid?

   Ive been to the good side. The cookies were stale.

   The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it”