Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.

   On my laptop, sticky keys are always on.

   all about the status ..bite me...hows that? are ya gonna hand pick this one??

   I think you should say happy birthday 4 times to everyone havin a bday tomorrow.. since they only get 1 bday every 4 years..

   Funny how some women will spend over a hundred dollars for products to clean their face, yet purchase the cheapest toilette paper to clean their A$$.

   I'm like God to this girl. I'm always watching her...... & she's never seen me. - Stalker

   Maybe you should eat makeup so you can be pretty on the inside, bi**ch!

   I'm thinking when they say,, "Instant Credit",, I think they really mean,, "Instant Debt".

   Guess what YouTube,,, I will ALWAYS,, “Skip this ad.”

   Due to rising fuel costs- NASCAR has announced its switching from laps to lapdances!

   Laxatives are the best cough suppressant.

   Lazy Rule #227- I only buy Peanut Butter & Jelly when its swirled together cuz I aint got no time for all that two jar sh*t...

   The lengths I'm willing to go to avoid somebody I know in a supermarket could count as cardio.

   I'm not actually dangerously unbalanced. At most, I'm gracefully insane. I wouldn't have it any other way

   I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line.

   The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the "I'm sick" voice.

   Really proud of my parallel parking job. Come see it at 4350 West Elm until 8.

   The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.

   I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.