Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best part of being a grown-up? You can eat ice cream whenever you want!

   My mood ring isn't a fashion statement. It is a court order!

   It's getting harder and harder to tell the zombies from the regular people.

   Putting a little bit of syrup into every square on the waffle is my Mona Lisa.

   Let's go back in time and give Baby Hitler a pony. Then World War II will be about Germany giving free candy to France and Poland.

   They should just install an elevator on Mt. Everest and be done with it.

   All I've ever really wanted is a nice little home inside a volcano on an island shaped like a skull. And some nuclear warheads.

   It seems to me like Hoarders and Storage Wars could work something out.

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't. Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.

   IDK why everyone is sad about Whitney Houston dying; you didn't know her personally. You only knew her musically & musically she died in '93

   ust had a swell idea for an invention... Rear-facing high-beams to flash into the eyes of those discourteous tailgating drivers!

   Ladies: A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world...oh sorry thats wine...wine does that.

   Whenever I take a shower with a girl I pee on her leg to mark my territory.

   Was just at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

   Marilyn Monroe was blessed with the gift of being the most ferocious slut of her generation, remember lasdies...don't waste that special gift!

   Whitney Houston: Born 1963 - Dead Amy Winehouse: Born 1983 - Dead Keith Richards: Born 1943 - Alive Ozzy Osbourne: Born 1948 - Alive. Moral of the story: Women can't handle their drugs

   We are all born sexual creatures; it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift. ~ Marilyn Monroe

   The best part about waking up Sunday morning is knowing that sex can be more than a quickie and you can sip your coffee instead of gulping it.

   VH1 is playing all Whitney videos right now. I forgot about some of these song. Then again, I forgot what a video was

   Ladies: If I hit on you please don't panic, I am a bachelor and that's what bachelors do.