Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When is Oreo going to start selling just the filling?

   My dogs are getting to smart they now bark shotgun when I take them for a car ride..

   I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 9 minutes.

   SCIENTISTS Have Revealed Today That They Have Found A New Drug For DEPRESSED LESBIANS...........It's Called " TRYDIXAGAIN " tee hee~

   New survey: 55% of men expect to pay on the 1st date. While the other 45% have never been on a 2nd date.

   That uneasy moment when my doctor is checking my balls for a physical and I run my fingers through her hair.

   Will you be my girlfriend? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 480 friends on Facebook.

   Ever feel like someones watching you? Yeah its me. Always check the Back Seat.ALWAYS.

   It's always "going to be okay" when it's not happening to you.

   I'm taking a First Aid training course with CPR this afternoon. Starting tomorrow you can address me as Doctor.

   My wife is like a tree She falls down after being hit repeatedly with an Axe.

   Son: Where did I come from daddy? Dad: Your Mother Son: Where did she come from? Dad: THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!!!!

   What do you get when you toss a ball into a cage full of monkeys? NBA

   Nudists need to be exposed for what they are.

   cakes 66p Upside down cakes 99p

   My wife said, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong" I said.."And whose fault is that?"

   Science Question: How do stars die? Drugs normally

   Chasing the American Dream does not count as excercise

   If there are 3 Apples on the Table and Jamal takes 2 Apples. What colour is Jamal?