Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sweet, it's snowing again. I can hardly wait to read 500 status updates on my news feed about it

   For a day that doesn't exist, I sure got a lot done.

   Well, just got home from work.....it seems davey jones died....at first I didn't believe it....but then I saw his face, and now I'm a believer. O_o

   Since it's a Leap Day and also a Hump Day.....I wish Obama would take a flying Leap up a camels ass so far he hit's the Hump!

   Boobs are to men what Fisher-Price stacking rings are to babies. They feel good, are fun to play with, and always wind up in the mouth.

   I'll never understand dentists. They stab you with little metal hooks and then tell you "Your gums wouldn't bleed if you flossed more".

   so much for MONKEEing around ,R.I.P. Davey Jones. Cheer up Sleepy Jean. He took the last train to Clarksville ......and now I'm a bereaver

   If you wouldn't make her your wife.. Don't make her a mother!

   I wld rather staple my eyelids to my a☆☆hole...than have to listen to you talk about your bullsh☆t problems! ツ

   Marsha Brady is gonna freak when she finds out that Davy Jones died

   if they remove your Gallbladder, and the meds from the Doctor makes you constipated, two McDonalds fish sandwiches will solve the poblem in under 30 minutes. . .

   It's a scientific fact that my shower will always amplify my fart's sound and smell.

   I really thought my missus was joking when she said Davy Jones had died. Then I saw her face......... now I'm a believer.......

   Would it be ironic if you died in the living room?

   the rumours you hear about me are all lies....i made them up so you wouldnt find out the true juicey stuff ive been upto :-P

   Dear guys, A girl is like a doll. You can dress her, undress her, play her & use her... but remember, a REAL MAN doesn't play with dolls.

   Davy Jones died today? Didn't Jack Sparrow already kill him?

   "It's not you, it's me." Man I hate sorting out photos with my twin brother.

   Why do men talk dirty? So they can wash their mouths out with beer.

   Sign of the Apocolypse...Snooki is pregnant. Due 12/12