Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line.

   The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the "I'm sick" voice.

   Really proud of my parallel parking job. Come see it at 4350 West Elm until 8.

   The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.

   I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.

   That which does not kill me has been everything so far.

   Every time I say "I love you too", I'm thinking about the band so, technically not a lie.

   In a movie, if there is big fish tank and someone has a gun, you can bet they're gonna shoot that fish tank and it's gonna be great.

   Made it through the day without smoking any Peeps marshmallow bunnies. Feeling strong.

   When you really think about it...most of 'Dunkin Donuts' aren't for dunkin at all.

   wishes Dunkin Donuts would just 'deliver' already, some of us dont have a job and arent 'on our way to work' good god!

   if anyone of my thousand FB friends steal my status that the other site stole...they're gonna think I steal my status's :o

   gonna surprise my husband by buyin a wig, thats right, my landing strip is now red..

   so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee

   Whenever someone tells an old and tired joke, I alway feel the urge to ask them, "Have you been living under a rock for the past decade?"

   chews my gum loud n proud cuz it annoys sooo many people

   just found a turd in my potted plant and I dont have a cat

   Whenever someone comes out and tell the world that they are gay, I always feel the urge to ask if they are the "pitcher" or the "receiver"

   wonders if famous comedians ever steal my original funny thoughts....aaaaahhhhhhhh.. at least pay me

   js pissed that the other site steals our status's cuz now our secret spot is violated and 'everyone' on FB might be as funny as me