Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope Floyd Mayweather wins the best actor Oscar for his portrayal of a boxer wanting to fight Manny Pacquiao.

   The extra muscles it takes to smile after losing an Oscar is such a workout it keeps the actors thin for the whole next year!

   Alcohol preserves everything except secrets.

   Maybe it's the beer talking but I really love beer.

   Best Film went to a silent movie made by Frenchmen and Best Foreign film went to Iran. 2 sure signs the world is ending soon.

   I'm making a deal with Nicholas Cage that I'll see his movie but only after he really sets his face on fire.

   My dramatic exit was ruined when I forgot my phone.

   Brownies cure frownies, this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA

   You are so ugly...as a kid, pedophiles used to give you candy to get out of the van.

   that girl will take a wiener to the grill like a hot dog stand

   Cashier: Sir, this is the 5th movie ticket you have bought tonight. Customer: Well yeah, the a$$hole at the entrance keeps ripping it.

   It takes 17 muscles to smile, 43 to frown and 0 to not give a damn.

   The worst part about eating with vegetarians is everything.

   1990's - Last Generation With Common Sense.

   Sometimes, karma is just too busy with other injustices in the world and that's where revenge comes in.

   I predict you'll be seeing a lot more people using pogo sticks, thanks to these gas prices

   People throw around the word "hero" too much. Use it for what it's for: a millionaire actor playing a disabled person.

   Mondays are like sandpaper for the soul.

   As soon as women see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running.

   It's really sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.