Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   at starbucks in my 'forever lazy' , starting to feel a little self conscious, people in line keep peeking in my ass flap, next time I'm wearing underwear

   all warm in my snuggie, well its really my bathrobe on backwards, but wtf

   won't be able to spend Valentine's Day with the love of his life who keeps him warm, cosy and protected!!! I'm sorry bed but I'll be cheating on you with that b^tçh mistress of mine I call work.

   tough crowd..well thats all for today, drive safe, I'll be here all week

   got myself a McPitBull today...now I can see if mcfoods or mcpets are more dangerous

   i whistle alot jus because it makes my lips look like a bunghole

   finally gave in and let my boyfriend shave me down there....my toes look soooo much better

   I think its so cheesey when people get all mushy & lovey dovey with their facebook status... on another note~ my boyfriend is the best, he is cute, sweet, sexy, handsome, makes me laugh, has the sexiest voice, makes me smile everyday

   You should see the places I've been on my stationary bike

   I wish personal ads could be honest, like 'Toxic seeks Self-Loathing.'

   Why is Chris Brown's nickname Breezy? Shouldn't it be 'Bruisey' instead?

   Other than Whitney Houston...all the dates are wrong. Jackson was 50, JFK was 46 and Winehouse was 27..to make a joke..get the facts right..becomes funnier..Little thing called Google

   I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it

   Oh, I'm so sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   It was so cold this morning that I saw a girl with a flannel nose ring

   I have decided this Valentines I am going to get prostitutes off the streets .... For an hour or so ..

   If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead...

   imagine asking the incredible hulk to open a pickle jar?

   Dusting off the old VHS sex tape my wife and I made. We watch it every Valentines and cry.

   Valentines Eve: AKA Desperation to get a Date DaY