Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It breaks my heart to break your heart but at the end of the day, mine is more important to me.

   "BLARGH...mmm, this looks good. nom nom nom...BLARGHH...hey, where'd this come from? yum!...BLARGHHH..." - my dog, throwing up

   Love pshhhh I rather fall in chocolate

   I've Realized Something Today.. No Matter How Hard You Try To Plan Your Life.. Life Has A Plan For You All On Its Own..

   Happy Pagan inspired holiday taken over by American capitalist, commercialized and marketed to make billions on flowers, candy, chocolate, jewelry, dinners, hotel rooms and other gifts.

   A candlelight dinner with long stemmed roses sounds like a deadly combination for my inflatable valentine.

   I'm going to spend this Valentine's Day with the one I love......I just hope she's working her corner.

   A little bit of me dies every time I see one of you post a quote that you obviously don't actually live by.

   Just heard a weird noise from the other room, but refuse to call out “Is anyone there?” I've seen the movies...those people always die!

   Dear pretty girls in my classes, You have significantly improved my attendance. Keep doing what you do. Much love, The brunette guy you keep catching staring at you.

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder" That shut em up 

   Valentines Day is almost here! I still can't find my handcuffs and whip!!

   A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service. And what do you do with a phone with no service? You play damn games.

   Some people just need to change their status updates to, “Needs attention.”

   Before I eat chips, I have to look in the bag for a perfect one

   Ladies that don't know what to get your man for valentines day, I have your answer...Forget the cutesy stuff!!! Get alcohol, feed him Red Meat and have sex with him wearing red and pink. Trust me I'm a guy...

   People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing all the time.

   How can the world end in 2012, if I have a can of corn that expires in 2013?

   How much face would a facebook book if a facebook could book face?

   if this toaster thinks setting 3 is "burn to a crisp and light on fire", I don't even want to know what setting 6 does.