Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'd like to get a job at the phone company. they get to choose the phone numbers ppl get. if an ex comes in, give her a number with the last 4 digits spelling WIDE or UGLY & let her be stuck with that number

   Wow...I spend good money on a fencing class and all the while I was hammering nails this dude kept poking me with a sword... I so wanted to slap that bee mask right off his head...

   Subway: Where women make sandwiches for men without complaining.

   I got stopped by a lady doing a survey today. She said, "What household chore annoys you the most?" I said, "Having to turn down the telly to tell my wife to do the hoovering."

   When a girl is in love, she offers sex. when a guy wants sex, he offers love.

   Why did they introduce women into the police force? To keep the streets clean

   I'm having a problem with sexual harassment at work. There isn't any.

   Who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian relationship? Neither, they both eat out

   Her: "Ugh! Let me tell you about m......" Me: "Is my zipper down?" Her: ".....no..." Me: "Then why is your mouth open?

   "Have fun" is just a nicer phrase for "have a horrible time without me."

   If I go on a cruise, I'm sleeping in the lifeboat area

   People who email you Spam...Email them Porn! Problem solved ;)

   Breakfast with Obama: $38,000. 4 Years Of Political Favors: Priceless.

   Say a prayer for Sparky, I just ate Taco Bell.

   there's always......."truth" behind "JK"... Emotion behind "I DONT CARE"... Pain behind "IT'S OK" & "I need you" behind "LEAVE ME ALONE"......

   febreeze- because your house smells like weed and your parents will be home any minute.

   Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.

   Just trying to see who reads my post. Describe me using only your Facebook password....

   If you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.

   I hate when I press 1 for English and still get an Indian person.