Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A bipolar police officer would be awesome at playing good cop, bad cop.

   "Hey Andrew Breibart.... Wecome to the club!" - Vince Foster

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lens...

   Scientists are baffled... Snooki, the tallest of the Oompa Loompa's, is pregnant! They didn't think anything human could possibly live in her!

   Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"

   just thought of a good prank...if closterphobic friend passes out drunk & about to awaken slip a bag over their head 9with breathing holes) & watch the fun happen when they realize where they are

   You probably didn't know, but when you wear pajama pants in public WE CAN SEE YOU, IT AIN'T PRETTY!

   A source says Snooki is pregnant and the Republican candidates suddenly switch their stance on abortion.

   I thought my sister was lying when she told me Davey Jones from the Monkees had died....................then I saw her face.

   My kids had to ride in the back today on the way to school. ..well the dog called shotgun.!!.

   Don't start a new day with yesterday's leftovers.

   I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad

   BRO TIP: Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim. Don't be that guy, bro.

   Product Marketing idea: Taylor Swiffer. Boom.

   Maury Povich just announced a special "baby's daddy" episode for Snookie..suddenly 284 men are doing a lot of subtraction!

   those who want their child's birthday to fall on 12-12-12 this is the last week to make your efforts.

   Thinking about taking a Carnival Cruise, but I can't decide which excursion to go on....... the one where the ship rolls over and you drown, and one where you get towed thru pirate infested waters, or the one where you get the bird flu. Fun, fun, fun

   I can see it now... New season of Teen Mom special edition featuring snooki

   Snooki pregnant? The world rejoices! Except for the 73 men who are doing some hardcore math.

   You never realize what you have until it's gone...toilet paper is a prime example!