Funny Status Messages

   Choked eating peach cobbler today, nipples got hard. Worried about myself.

   I listened to today's music. It's nothing more than computer generated sampled effects and pieced together bit by bit blurbs of insincerity with auto-tuned vocals. Might as well listen to a power point presentation.

   There's no way I'm ever eating Thanksgiving leftovers again straight out of the fridge. Yes, that's right. I quit cold turkey.

   I hope Mariah Carey getting some good rest today cause it’s game time at midnight.

   Which Thanksgiving Day parade doesn't have Jimmy Fallon hot-dogging all over the place? Asking for a frien ... me.

   Can’t figure out if every piano ends up being free or if it’s just the same piano that everyone passes around for free on Facebook Marketplace... 😐

   Him: Can make a 45$ guitar sound like a 6000 dollar guitar Me: Can make a 6000$ guitar sound like a 1$ toy guitar

   Once you mine you ain't leaving, welcome to death row

   If she witnessed you pull start the lawn mower in one go, she's already pregnant

   After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!

   The eyes are the window to the soul. The mouth is the window to the esophagus. (Sorry. I'm anticipating Thanksgiving dinner.)

   accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

   To be safe, avoid all vegetables and just eat pies for Thanksgiving.

   You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year

   I’ve just been called weird by my son who won’t sleep without his giant 7 foot stuffed jalapeño right next to him

   When I think about all that potatoes have done for me I get a little teary eyed

   If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

   My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

   You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

   chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing