Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Confucious says, man who fingers girl on period gets caught red handed.

   Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.

   Just watched a clip of Jersey Shore... Now my eye's have chlamydia.

   Your magnetic bracelet is causing me to have negative thoughts about you.

   I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

   If anyone ever tells you “Good Luck in your future endeavors” It's just a polite way to say “Go ███████ Your self!” :P

   will drink responsibly when someone names a brand of alcohol “Responsibly.”

   lowercase letters: just like UPPERCASE letters, but without all the demand for attention

   can't stand my broom on the end, becuase my wife won't stop flyin around on it long enough

   My Bologna only needs a first name... I think a second name only confuses everything...

   Because it's Monday, I'll go ahead and tell you what the funniest thing is the world is: A fat guy falling down his last 3 stairs, while farting. Glad no one was here.

   Monday Morning. Kind of woke up needing Viola Davis to tell me you is kind you is smart you is important.

   A baggage carousel is the least fun carousel ever.

   You know how sometimes you accidentally drop food on the floor and eat it anyways? I just did that with soup

   Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch. Just to show the birds what I'm capable of.

   My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm. :)))

   Has anyone notice on the visit California commercial, Kim Kardashian is pretending to read a Quantum Physics book?

   Had a Children's Message at church today. Pastor has a bunch of sports equpment. Asks the kids what each is used for. They all tell what sport they are for. When he hold up a bible my kid raises her hand and says "that's what pastors play with!"

   Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity.

   Being single is better than being lied to, cheated on, and disrespected.