Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To all of you women that get offended by men looking at your chests, just turn around, we like looking at butts too...

   Seriously? If I denied your friend request a month ago chances are we're not going to be fb friends with this request either

   I really don't get interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much, by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?

   Wondering why MTV hasn't done "15 and Slutty" yet... it would air just before "Teen mom".. Seems kinda like a no-brainer.

   I have a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.

   I'll probably never love anything as much as this sweet old lady sitting next to me at the Blackjack table loves her next cigarette.

   Brett Favre has joined Twitter. I'll be giving him a little time to figure things out before I click on any of his Twitpics.

   Hope the boss learns not to call people in on Saturday afternoon with no advance notice. Half the department is drunk! This should go well.

   Wondering why MTV hasn't done "15 and Slutty" yet. Seems kinda like a no-brainer.

   Put blue Gatorade in a empty bottle of Windex and walk around the street squirting it into your mouth! Fun times.

   This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is 'funny and spontaneous', yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming.

   will be sponsoring a 0.25 mile fun run to raise awareness for people that I wish would just GO AWAY! I'm calling it the Kardashian Dash!

   dyslexic people are weird. they pray to a dog

   Attention, guys wearing "skinny Jeans", you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way

   Hungry or Horny? Either way, satisfy your appetite!

   If the government is gonna focus on cloning, they need to be cloning 1970 gas prices. If the government is gonna focus on cloning, they need to be cloning 1970 gas prices

   The only good part about reuniting with an ex is that having sex with them doesn't change the number of people you've slept with.

   Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you'd follow them straight into hell, to get the fix

   What is it about waking up that babies find so traumatic?

   News Reporter: "So what inspired you to work with Chris Brown?" Rihanna: "Beats me..."