Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet virgin wool comes from really ugly sheep!

   I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took them off. "Take off my shoes" I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties!" I took all them off. Then she looks at me n said, "I dont want to catch you wearin my things ever again!"

   face down ass up that's the way I like to.... um pick up some change I dropped.

   I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed.

   Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

   Men wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

   For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

   Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

   How come they always announce the reporters as reporting live from the scene? Has any of them reported dead from the scene before?

   3 bad things happened to me today: I found out my friend slept with my girl. My friend got hit by a bus. I lost my bus driver's licence.

   If Pluto isn't a planet because it's too small, then are midgets really people?

   Buy one beer for the price of two and receive a second beer ABSOLUTELY FREE!

   That uneasy moment between your birth and your death.

   If G0d is all-seeing, why doesn't He ever say, "Hey humans, you look nice today." Is an occasional compliment too much to ask?

   My relationship with vodka has been on the rocks, but it just accepted my friend request, neat!

   Am I the only one who thought of chicks with flat asses when they saw "Happy National Pancake Day"?

   When someone dies I never know what to say, but I think about all the horrible things I shouldn't say and hold them in.

   ‎"Don't judge me" means "read my Facebook profile but don't look at the pictures."

   Teenage girls usually get upset after discovering they are pregnant, so I console them. "Your boobs will get bigger!"

   Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.