Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the only "kony" I'm supporting is the one that goes in my mouth.

   A teacher, once said, that, I overused commas. What she didn't understand, at all, was that I was writing, like Christopher Walken speaks.

   HOW LONG IS THIS DORITOS COMMERCIAL!? Grandma, that's just Jersey Shore...

   Gas prices are about $3.95 a gallon and females still think guys are coming over to just "CHILL"

   Anyone else got that one drawer they wish they never opened?

   was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking "who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

   Daylight Savings Time doesn't officially start until 2am... but don't worry about trying to remember to set your clocks... I will be calling everybody then to remind you...

   You can keep your love, your trust is what attracts me.

   Junk- something you keep for years so you can throw it away three weeks before you need it.

   I'm so crazy I'm thinking about springing forward right now....see you in an hour!

   I fell asleep last night with my TV on watching a Jersey Shore marathon and this morning my Toshiba died of AIDS

   Why do women feel the need to tell us men how to do our jobs?....I had a reason why I didn't pull out!

   Dear IRS, Please cancel my subscription.

   Of course I wanna go to my high school reunion! There's nothing I'd rather do than waste hundreds of dollars and precious vacation days, just to hang with a bunch of people I couldn't stand. And still can't.

   air guitar for sale! Any offers?

   A whole pot of and three Redbulls.....I can pronounce that symbol that Prince had for his name.

   My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don't have a little brother...

   Stacy's Mom-The Music video that lead an entire generation into masturbation.

   Watching Linda Barrett exit the pool for the 1363rd time...Doesn't anybody knock anymore!!!

   dude, she just called you gay. oh hell no!!! hold my purse!!!