Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Newt Gingrich wins Georgia. To be fair, it was a pie-eating contest.

   I think I've got Bieber Fever. Wait, wait, no, it's Ebola. What a relief!

   нαρρу ωσмєиѕ ∂αу тσ υѕ gяσωи вєαυтιfυℓ ωσмєи!!! :D ♡

   Lol ......Prescription drugs are killing everybody not street drugs wake up people

   Life is like a dry handjob. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's enjoyable, most of the time it's hard, but mostly your just happy it keeps going.

   The New ipad (3) These aren't the Droids your looking for..!

   Am I REALLY the only person who thought that the national anthem's opening line was "Jose can youuu see!"  up until last year? Seriously?!!

   I dont get it, no one complains when Madonna and Angelina Jolie steal black kids from africa.

   Women, your future is bright... Once you perfect driving we will have something else to celebrate... Too bad it's never going to happen!

   The iPad 3 can s@ck my d!ck! No, really, they just announced that as a feature!

   Today I'm announcing that I still can't afford the first iPad.

   Today marks the 98th celebration of International Womens Day... It only took them 240+ years to perfect the sandwich from when it was invented.

   Dropped my wallet today & a homeless guy chased me down to give it back. I was so moved I took out all of my money & gave him a free wallet.

   To all the women around the world...Happy International Women's Day!

   stuffing a hula hoop in a cereal box so my kids have memories of cool prizes like me

   The ABC's to a good marriage: Air conditioning, Beer, Could you shut up for a damn minute so I can enjoy my air conditioning & beer?!!

   Some people say I dream too much, I say its just because my life is better than their dreams are.

   I wonder if Sonics is making any extra business with all of this "Koney" talk. I ain't gonna lie, when I first heard that name I thought of a chili cheese coney... #fat thought

   A new study shows the 'doggie position' is the most common sexual position used by married couples... the Husband sits up and begs while the Wife rolls over and plays dead.

   a lot of the ladies at the office have choose to dress Slutty for International Women's Day...that's what I believed anyway.