Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just watched a loch ness monster documentary and I finally believe, without a doubt, that I have better teeth than everyone in Scotland.

   Just saw a guy rollerblading while I was driving. Who rollerblades anymore?! Not that guy because I just hit him with my truck. Allegedly.

   Are you crying? No, my eyes are taking a pi$$

   The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions

   When you die and God asks what you did with your life, try not to say, "Didn't you read my tweets and Facebook updates?"

   I admit I am hot, but don't blame me for global warming.

   Facebook is our past. Twitter is our present. Unemployment is our future.

   "Do you realize how may calories are in that?" "Do you realize how much I don't care?"

   The uneasy moment when a midget is getting high

   No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

   If the scientists REALLY want to know how the dinosaurs died, they can just ask the guy driving in front of me.

   Yes, people who exercise live longer. But those extra years are spent...umm...excercising!

   A big part of my self-improvement plan is finding more opportunities to use the word "taters."

   Selecting a menu item at a Mexican restaurant is easy once you decide how many times you want your food folded.

   In a show of support and encouragement, Brett Favre just texted Peyton Manning a picture of his pen!s.

   I'm hungry, but there's a repair guy here and I don't feel comfortable eating. Suffering is funny until it happens to you.

   This healthy bran cereal tastes just like bacon because I threw it away and am now eating bacon.

   This morning at breakfast, I think I got some cheap Russian Alphabits - half of the R's were backwards!

   It's funny how so many expectant moms don't like it when I use the term "invading organism."

   The labor pain experienced during giving birth is just to compensate  for the menstrual pain missed during the nine months.