Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pancake Day already? That's crêped up on us.

   I think aussies were the first to jerk off into a sock. How else would they come up with the boomerang?

   For Lent, I'm giving up beer for vodka.

   You're darn tootin'!" - cowpoke complaining about flatulence.

   "I'm gonna need to crunch some numbers" is a good answer to any question when you've zoned out and aren't sure what they said

   There were a lot of Presidents day sales today, Mitt Romney was confused he thought the presidency was actually for sale today...

   I gave my kid a happy meal, but it's not working,

   Did you know "bathtub" backwards is still "bathtub"? It's not, but for a second there you believed me

   RelationSHIPS sink when they have too many passengers.

   Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

   There are two reasons why I wake up in the morning: my alarm clock and you.

   One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.

   Driving in snow is alot like going down on a girl...Just go slow and watch out for the a55hole behind you...

   I'm so old I remember when teens getting pregnant meant "PANIC!" not "Congratulations, you get your own MTV show!"

   my ex was so fat she used to but her belt on with a boomerrang

   hey ladies, fallin' head over heels in love only happens in your 20's.. After that the best you can hope for is heels over head

   With pants sagging as low as yours, what do you plan on doing if you suddenly get into a brawl? Cuz I'm going to pants the sh** outta you and run!!!!

   Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.

   A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is… “Don't put that on Facebook!”

   Getting back with an ex is pretty much like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.