Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   for someone that hates being touched, I sure do have a lot of kids.

   All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

   If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

   Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

   If you shout along to the last word of each sentence in the eulogy, you can turn any funeral into a Beastie Boys song.

   87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

   People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

   Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet

   BABY GOT BACKYARD Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

   Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

   I'm a genius when you agree with me. I'm an ass when you disagree with me. I'm inconsistant when you don't understand me. I'm all things to all people.

   I googled my symptoms into Web Md. Turns out I have Gary Busey .

   In an effort to be sensitive to the current atmosphere. Wild Cherry has changed the name of their 1970's hit to simply "Play us an upbeat song Cracker".

   Remember the participation trophies kids? They grew up and are burning our cities, tearing statues, offended over everything.

   Shia Labeouf sounds like something you do after eating Taco Bell

   Had the fencing guys out working today putting up a Chain-link fence. Lets see them mosquitoes get in the yard now .

   Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

   In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach

   Depressed? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.