Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found a 2 inch eyebrow sticking out of my head. I have terrible friends that are too self-absorbed to notice what's really important.

   This woman at work is trying to get me fired, for giving her inappropriate massages at the office. I said “good luck with that, I don't even work here”

   glee fans all need to be dumped on their own island..they're bringing our species down

   had a threesome last night, usually I only use 2 fingers

   inventing little nipples for your texting thumbs

   It disturbs me to see how much I say the word "Retard'' in everyday conversations..But never on Facebook where they are abundant.

   Trying to decide if its flour or the beginnings of mold on my bread....oh well...nom nom nom

   people from india shouldnt be selling hamburgers. I guess cows arent as sacred as the benjamins

   a unibrow is just a mustache for your eyes

   unibrows...look like birds in flight when in a 'Surprised' mode

   Hornrimmed glasses are back..and uglier than ever

   Ladies paying thousands for chemical peels...I will splash battery acid on your face for only $500. Look for me on craigslist. Dr. Duracell

   We have come so far. Computers, Moon landing, Mars rover, Hubble telescope taking pictures of thing light years away...and yet we still need a sign telling employees to wash their hands.

   I can't get the Bananas in Pajamas song out of my head, so I'm cursing you all with it

   I carried a really cool hat to school that I rubbed on a licey homeless guy. The school bully just stole it..... :D

   I cut my foot and its turning black now, thanks to Mr. Deeds I know this is gonna be cool. If not, I'll go see Dr. Pepper

   i think chubby chasers are just lazy people, I mean...really, how far is this 'chase'

   running on pills and luck

   looks like I'm having pie all day....Thanks to 3-14 or 3.14

   rode into town on my horse. not worth it, I had to pick up his poo with a snow shovel and a hefty bag.