Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I slept late because DST time is back. That's 'cause it's really 10:35. No, I guess it's really 11:35, but it's 10:35, but it really is...well it's 11:36 now because I've gone on and on about what the time really is.

   I wish that I would get a popup for "possible virus" when I meet new girls.

   I got arrested today for feeding some homeless guys on the street, and to top it all off, the cops broke my potato gun.

   Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.

   Muffins are just ugly cupcakes

   People use the term "awkward conversation" like there's any other kind.

   We started at around 1:45am and stopped around 3:15am. She was impressed. Thanks Daylight Savings Time!

   The movie Project X sucked it was nothing like the original with Matthew Broderick and Helen Hunt

   Oh, to have you next to me in the morning. Your soothing warmth, your intensity, your comfort. I need to get a Mr. Coffee for my nightstand.

   Yesterday someone gave me a piece of "humble pie''.....Mine tastes better.

   Boy 1: My Dads harder than your Dad! Boy 2: No way my Dads harder than your Dad! Boy 3: Why are both your Dads naked in the playground?

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said "Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me". So I put shampoo in her eyes.

   I now count my girlfriend as my best friend. It used to be Dave but he won't suck my c*ck.

   I've got a huge tip for people with lots of rubbish.

   Women are never happy are they? I make her bacon and eggs in bed and all she can say is, "Get that f-kin cooker back downstairs now!"

   Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. You don't hear them asking for 5 pounds a month.

   Amazing to think that I was once a helpless little baby but now I'm a giant helpless man

   Sad thing about the Twitter and Facebook youth = Draw Something lasted longer than #Kony2012 

   stayed awake to watch the Daylight Savings countdown, and still up from all the excitement. #TheyDidntDropABall

   Announcer: You've been married for 50 years? Do you have any tips for the ones to be married next. Old guy: It helps if your deaf.