Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I want you to tongue punch your fart box" ~~ my worst pick-up line ever, probably....

   When I was in kindergarten my teacher told me to sit indian style. So I bought a bottle of cheap whiskey and laid in the gutter.

   OK, I'm getting out of bed in 10 seconds. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,9,9,9,9,9

   Lazy rule #35: If you spill some water, it will eventually dry.

   at the beginning of spongebob the captain guy says "i cant hear you"...the Verizon guy keeps saying "can you hear me now?"....i wonder if the 2 are on the phone together

   there any slight chance to spend a night out without getting the brute hangoverin the morning?!- sign a dieing man

   I wish the Apostles had been Cowboys instead of fishermen. I would really like a steak or burger today.

   once you go black, you go single parent!

   What is a 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.

   I'd like to thank my digestive system for getting rid of all the sh!t in my life, without you I'd be full of it!

   TGIF - Thank Goose It's Friday

   The Longest a man can hold out without eating is 4 months but me and my checking account are challenging that.

   A night of insomnia is always followed by a morning of browser history clearing.

   I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday.

   I hate looking for a job almost as much I hate not having a job almost as much as I hate working. It's complicated.

   Ladies. dont jump to conclusions that your boyfriend is cheating just because he never wants you to look at his phone. Its probably just full of porn

   Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don't eat anything else today and tomorrow.

   If you aren't sure if you like someone, here's a test: imagine they're dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?

   Thank you Facebook for giving us a home. Sincerely, ! and :)

   FYI...It is not 'Always Sunny in Philadelphia'!