Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People throw around the word "hero" too much. Use it for what it's for: a millionaire actor playing a disabled person.

   Mondays are like sandpaper for the soul.

   As soon as women see me, they want to get in shape to impress me. So they start running.

   It's really sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   Ron Paul 2012..do your research, don't trust the mainstream media, the other 3 flip-flopping candidates are liars and backed by banks..the same banks the back Obama and got your bailout dollars! Ron Raul is backed by our military! ..Ron Paul 2012!!

   painted my trash cans to look like minature buildings so if my neighbors do the same our street will look like a tiny city on trash day

   my kid jus got a bag of m&m's and some were naked. Thats obsene, I'm writing the company

   The longer you stare at the phone before picking the call...The bigger is the lie you tell after picking it up...

   feeling very hot and sweaty right now. Who wants to become my fan?

   I got a free wallet and watch today. It's like this gun is magic.

   Saw Jennifer Lopez's boob today. Successful weekend.

   Some people are jus born awesome.

   It's funny how I'm afraid of losing you when your not even mine

   Owen Wilson talks like his mouth is as messed up as his nose.

   instagram... making girls all over the world look better than they are, damn iPhone

   Saw one of those electric cars zip by me the othee day. Finally its starting to look like The Jetsons around here!

   Wife playing Words With Friends: "How is SLUT not a word?"

   Don't put your card into someone's SD slot without protection. They could have a virus.

   Spent 15 damn minutes looking for my phone in the car last night while using my phone asa a light, yup that high..

   I thought Billy Crystal was a type of meth.. #Oscars