Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're STUPID enough to vote for someone because of a celebrity endorsement plese delete yourself from my friends list...Thank you.

   I sleep naked, I don't care what the stewardess say's.

   It took a Jimmy Carter to give us a Ronald Reagan!

   For God's sake! It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-it flag on the eye they want me to look at when we're talking... I keep switching back and forth..

   The ability to get Pregnant is a Genetic trait. Scientific evidence shows that if your Parents never had any Children then neither will you...

   I am really getting tired of everytime I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.

   Told the 7-11 clerk if I win on this lotto scratcher, I'd share. Now here I stand, $2 richer, trying to explain to him I lied.

   Nothings worse than Single BicheZ talkin bout they Wife Material.. Thats like saying you Management material but Unemployed!

   'Erotic Thriller' always sounds better than 'Terrible Film.'

   Crushed ice, needs to be placed higher on a pedastool.

   Even that crack on the wall becomes more interesting when you're meant to be studying.

   Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.

   sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   My wife and I like to play this little game where we both see something that needs to be put away, but we leave it out to see how long it takes the other one to do it. She doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as I do.

   Pictures of the Queen naked....Oooops! This isn't Google.....

   still crying 12 hours after putting his contact lenses. Never gonna eat Jalapenos with my hands again.

   I was enjoying a good sleep today when I was rudely woken by a bloody salesman."Sir..." "Look," I said, "I'm not interested, I'm actually trying to sleep." "Sir, are you going to buy the bed or not?"

   A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

   I'm takin' the fact that I have one neighbor who doesn't wave at me.. as a sign that she likes bags of flamin' dog poop on her porch.

   Don't worry, guys, Tebow is being traded for our sins.