Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My little girl is an adult now! Happy 18th Birthday Justin Bieber. :)

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the age I am now.

   The best tasting thing at Whole Foods is not nearly as good as the worst tasting thing at Dunkin' Donuts.

   If you ask for one of my fries, sure, I'll give you one. But don't think for a minute that I'm not FURIOUS about it.

   Interesting that a lot of religions are anti-pork because bacon is the thing that makes me believe in God.

   A bipolar police officer would be awesome at playing good cop, bad cop.

   "Hey Andrew Breibart.... Wecome to the club!" - Vince Foster

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lens...

   Scientists are baffled... Snooki, the tallest of the Oompa Loompa's, is pregnant! They didn't think anything human could possibly live in her!

   Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"

   just thought of a good prank...if closterphobic friend passes out drunk & about to awaken slip a bag over their head 9with breathing holes) & watch the fun happen when they realize where they are

   You probably didn't know, but when you wear pajama pants in public WE CAN SEE YOU, IT AIN'T PRETTY!

   A source says Snooki is pregnant and the Republican candidates suddenly switch their stance on abortion.

   I thought my sister was lying when she told me Davey Jones from the Monkees had died....................then I saw her face.

   My kids had to ride in the back today on the way to school. ..well the dog called shotgun.!!.

   Don't start a new day with yesterday's leftovers.

   I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad

   BRO TIP: Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim. Don't be that guy, bro.

   Product Marketing idea: Taylor Swiffer. Boom.

   Maury Povich just announced a special "baby's daddy" episode for Snookie..suddenly 284 men are doing a lot of subtraction!