Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that.. Anyway, I'll cut this short cause,, I gotta go poop.

   Nobody wished me a happy birthday today,,, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday.

   "Find your ideal partner on Facebook!" No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

   Question for Flinnie and Suthernf**er...Are either of you two capable of an original thought?

   Everyone's blessed with an abundance of something. Money, talent, women, friends, family, etc....In my case, it's belly fat.

   My Mama is gonna be so mad when she realizes how much drama I have saved for her.

   Weird to think we're just fifteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother

   It would be fun to replace every EXIT sign in the world with ones that said ESCAPE. Also, they should flicker ominously

   Hey Kermit, there aren't that many songs about rainbows.

   My Ex texted me: "I Miss You..." So I replied: "We're sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn't give a f***.......

   What I hate most about Twitter: Is finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi

   Snooki's pregnant...? Finding the father is gonna be harder than finding Waldo, but I bet Waldo fuck$d her too anyway.

   My Mama is gonna be pissed when she realizes how much drama I have saved for her.

   And then one day she realized she could never love a man who could name more than 2 Kardashians.

   Weird to think we're just fifteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother.

   Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge

   If you play "the next song that plays on shuffle is our song" game with me, you better be okay with "Batdance".

   How do you know Asians robbed your house? Your cat's gone, your homework's done, and they're still backing out of the driveway.

   How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh$t in it.

   They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.